Hazards

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Book: Read Hazards for Free Online
Authors: Mike Resnick
Tags: Science-Fiction
Miguel. “Could you intercede with him on our behalf?”
    “Well, actually, I was kind of planning to intercede with him on my behalf,” I replied.
    They begged and cajoled and Ramon started growling and I was afraid Felicity was going to start crying again, so finally I gave in and promised to speak to him at dinnertime.
    “Thank you, Doctor Jones,” said Miguel, who I decided wasn’t a bad guy for a moose. “Our prayers go with you.”
    Suddenly Felicity trumpeted in terror and raced off screaming into the jungle, knocking down trees right and left as she went.
    “What was that all about?” I asked.
    “She probably saw Cedric again,” said Ramon in a bored voice. “It happens all the time.”
    “Poor baby,” said Miguel. “What a comedown.”
    “Was she really that pretty before the operation?” I asked.
    “Compared to what?” said Ramon.
    “She was much prettier then than she is now,” said Miguel. He stopped and mulled on it for a minute. “Well, a bit prettier, anyway.” He thunk a little more. “If not prettier, at least smaller.”
    “And she smelled better,” added Ramon.
    “Well, this has been a fascinating conversation,” I said, “but I think it’s probably time for me to head back over to Doctor Mirbeau’s house for dinner.”
    “Good luck, Doctor Jones,” said Ramon.
    I started traipsing back through the jungle, and after a while the rain let up and pretty soon I found myself at the front door. I was going to open it when something big and shaggy opened it from the inside.
    “You are expected,” he said, stepping back to let me pass.
    “ You sure ain’t,” I said, staring at him.
    “Have you got something against gorillas?” he asked me.
    “Not a thing,” I said quickly. “Some of my best friends are gorillas, or so close to ’em as makes no difference. I just ain’t never encountered one working as a doorman before.”
    “I hope you don’t think I enjoy being a house servant,” said the gorilla.
    “It ain’t never occurred to me to seriously consider whether a gorilla would be happy as a butler,” I admitted. “But if you don’t like it, what are you doing here?”
    “I’m hiding from the police.”
    “Back up a minute here,” I said. “I thunk you got turned into a gorilla so you wouldn’t have to hide no more.”
    “I should have saved my money and taken my chances,” he said bitterly.
    “But you look exactly like a gorilla.”
    “I used to be a professional wrestler,” he said. “The police saw through the surgery instantly.”
    “You looked like this when you rassled?” I asked.
    He opened a cabinet and produced two photographs.
    “Before and after,” he said, and sure enough I couldn’t tell one from the other.
    He led me into the dining room, where Doctor Mirbeau, dressed in a sweat-stained white tropical suit and a dirty tie, was already sitting at one end of the table, and the gorilla motioned that I was to sit at the other end.
    “What do you think of my island now that you’ve had a little time to explore it?” asked Doctor Mirbeau.
    “I suppose it’s one of the nicer islands I’ve ever encountered,” I said.
    His face brightened. “So you like it?”
    “Except for the heat, and the bugs, and the mud, and the rain, and the talking animals, and the fact that you won’t let me leave,” I answered.
    “I can’t control the other things, but I’ll order the animals to leave you alone.”
    “Actually, they asked me to speak to you on their behalf,” I said.
    He made a face. “I thought as much.”
    “Mighty few animals can lay their hands, or whatever passes for their hands, on fifty thousand dollars,” I said. “Why don’t you turn ’em back into men and woman and let ’em pay you afterward?”
    “I can’t,” he said.
    “Why not?” I asked. “Ain’t a delayed payment better than no payment at all?”
    “It’s out of the question,” he said.
    “That don’t make no sense,” I protested. “You need money

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