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graduating soon and can leave her behind; there are times when I feel like giving up and giving in. Sometimes it’s exhausting to constantly struggle with myself to be the better person. It would be so much easier to absorb her words and actions. Then, I remind myself that if I let her destroy me just like she wants, then she wins, and I’m no better than her. I will not let her pull me down. I will not be a hateful person, and I will not inflict that kind of pain on anyone else or be around it.
    I’ve had some encounters with her since that fight last summer, but she hasn’t physically lashed out at me, and I am grateful for that.
    As I evaluate my face in the mirror for the millionth time, I sigh knowing there is nothing I can do about it. As much as I hate it, and try to pretend I don’t believe my mother, and as much as I know it isn’t true, deep down, well, it resonates with me. After so many years of hearing someone tell you how ugly you are, at some point, you start believing it regardless of what the rational part of your brain is telling you. In some ways, I think that’s what shocked me about last night. While Vincent was a pig, he’d actually complemented me on some level—yes, a very, very low level, but I’d never had that kind of attention before.
    Pulling myself together, I re-enter Connor’s bedroom to find him sitting on his bed.
    An uncomfortable silence fills the air, which is totally new for us. I look down at my hands and rub the calluses that I’ve formed from playing the cello. I come to sit on the end of his bed, cross my legs and face him.
    Shifting the bed beneath us, Connor reaches over and slips his finger under my chin to look in my eyes, “Hey, I’m just worried about you and want to make sure you’re ok. You know, after what that guy said and did last night.”
    I look into his eyes and feel relief followed by disappointment. I guess I thought he was going to bring up his proclamation for me before we went to bed, but then I realize he thought I was asleep, so he wouldn’t know I had heard it.
    OMG Harp – Get a grip, why do I care so much anyway?
    I pull his hand into mine, “Yeah, I mean I was totally shocked when he grabbed me and I turned to look at you hoping you’d seen, but you were talking to one of the guys on the team. I thought, maybe ignoring him would make him stop. But, well, I guess we both know now that wasn’t going to happen.”
    “I’m sorry Harp, I’m so sorry. If I’d known he touched you like that I would have ended it right then. I didn’t know—I’m so sorry. You … you didn’t deserve that or what he said later.”
    Pain with a touch of anger forms in Connor’s expression, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with how grateful I feel to have him in my life.
    “I know, and I appreciate everything you did for me last night—for protecting me. Not a lot of people would do that for me, in fact … maybe only you,” I scoff.
    “First of all, there are a lot of people that care about you, you just don’t let them in and that’s ok. I understand why you’re so closed off, but I hope one day you can see all the love that’s around you, and for you.”
    What?
    “Second, Harp, what happened outside, with Ethan and Emma? I came back and it was like you were a zombie. What happened, huh?”
    I look down at my hands again and shrug my shoulders. I take a deep breath and sigh, “I don’t know what happened. When we got outside I focused on the fire and I, I uh … the flames just hypnotized me and I started remembering the fight last summer with my mom, and then I was thinking about Florida.”
    “Did I scare you last night?”
    I lift my head now, looking between his eyes and see how scared he is of my answer. I think about it and honestly, it hadn’t crossed my mind until he just said it.
    “I don’t know. I mean, maybe a little. I’ve never seen you like that. You’re always so happy, and I know you’re stronger and bigger than him, but the