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and order him to stay away from her? Katherine didn’t know what to say because she didn’t know how she felt. There was what she should feel and then all the other things swirling in her head.
    “We will see you soon, Kitty,” Mr. Gardner said, and gave her a peck on the cheek.
    “Okay,” she simply answered and walked down the long walkway to the street.
    “Go straight home and be careful. You don’t know what’s lurking in the shadows,” Mr. Gardner called out.
    Katherine kept it together until she was sure she was out of sight and then broke into a run. She ran as fast as she could, even though she was sore all over and exhausted. She ran the four blocks to her house and wished she could keep running, keep running until she dropped and couldn’t feel anything. Katherine wanted to just disappear, but instead she went home and when she breezed past her mother, watching television in the living room, she acted like nothing was wrong. She threw off her clothes as quickly as she could and climbed into the shower, but did not turn the heat on to scrub away her shame. No, she turned the water freezing cold.
    Deep inside, Katherine felt she was burning alive. A flame had been lit and she had to put it out. She was ashamed, but not because she felt like a victim. It was precisely the opposite, actually. She could not go to the police and cry rape. First of all, she knew no one would believe her wild story. And secondly, she was afraid she would break down under questioning and admit how much she enjoyed it. Katherine had never climaxed harder in her life. She was almost afraid that no boy would ever get her off like that again. She just couldn’t imagine having sex with boys her age. She knew they weren’t capable of making her feel the way Mr. Gardner had. Katherine burned with shame and anger and humiliation, but also with desire. She wasn’t equipped to deal with such complex, conflicting feelings and she wept while she curled up in the tub with the freezing water beating down on her. All she knew for sure was that she had to avoid Mr. Gardner at all costs. If she didn’t, she had no idea what might happen next.
     

three
     
     
    Katherine hoped she would awaken the next morning with all the strange feelings gone and she would be able to forget her crazy evening in the Gardners’ secret room, but that was not the case. Although she did her best to keep her mind focused on other things, whenever she allowed it to roam, it went back to what she felt while at Mr. Gardner’s mercy.
    Nor did the feeling fade over time. It was especially tough at night, when she laid in bed and waited for sleep. She would find herself so distracted that she could not help touching herself. Masturbation was something Katherine only occasionally indulged in—maybe after a frustrating date with an inept boy—but now it was almost an every night occurrence.
    If only she could confide in her friends it surely would have helped, but Katherine was far too ashamed to even admit what had happened, let alone talk about how much she liked it. She knew she should feel like she’d been used, but it was hard to reconcile that when she was the one who had received most of the pleasure. When she and Sandra lay side-by-side at the pool, tanning in their little string bikinis, it was on the tip of her tongue. Sandra was talking about some guy she hooked up with the night before and how good he was with his hands and Katherine couldn’t help but think about how good Mr. Gardner was with his hands, but she kept her mouth shut.
    “It was just nice to be with a boy who didn’t treat my body like an Xbox controller for once, you know what I mean?” Sandra commented. She glanced over at her friend beside her, but big sunglasses hid her eyes. Their brown bodies glistened in the hot sun from sweat and lotion. It was no secret that Sandra envied how easily Katherine tanned. While Katherine was a naturally dark beauty, Sandra was blonde and light and