Read Girl, (Nearly) 16: Absolute Torture! for Free Online Page B

look like a three-toed sloth,’ he said.
    ‘Oh, sloths are so cute!’ said Jess’s mum, with a ghastly skittish laugh, ‘I suppose we all have animal lookalikes. When Jess was a baby we used to call her duckling because of her little turned-up beak.’
    Everybody at the table, in fact everybody in the tea shop – possibly everybody in the whole world – turned to look at Jess for a split second. It was the worst moment in her life since the incident with the minestrone soup bra inserts. She glared back at her mother through a bright red fog of blushing, trying not to look too much like a duck.
    ‘And what’s your animal lookalike, Mum?’ she hissed. ‘A skunk?’
    ‘I’d like a tiny piece of apple pie with cream, please,’ said Granny, skilfully directing attention away to the menu. ‘What about you, Jess? Some sticky toffee pudding?’
    Jess didn’t want a pudding. Her tummy was already hurting a bit. It would put rather a dampener on the holiday if she were to explode before the end of the first day.
    Dear Fred , thought Jess (she would get it down on paper later). My mum has become completely deranged – forcing Bronze Age nudes on us, flirting with a waiter young enough to be her own son and humiliating me in public. This holiday just gets better and better .
    ‘We’re booked into a B&B in this village,’ said Mum, who had also passed on the pudding. ‘It’s called the Lilacs. I think I’ll just go and see if our rooms are ready, if you’ll excuse me.’
    ‘I’ll come with you,’ said Jess grimly. She had to get her mum on her own and give her a severe talking-to. Granny was quite happy to wait for them at the tea shop with a slice of apple pie and a cup of tea.
    Jess and Mum set off down the village street.
    ‘Now listen, Mum!’ said Jess. ‘Promise me there won’t be any more gigantic naked men on this trip! And do try and keep your hands off the waiters!’
    ‘Oh, come on!’ Mum grinned. ‘Give me a break! I’ve had such a dull old year in the library. I know I’m being a bit over the top, but I feel positively skittish for the first time in ages. The clouds! The sky! The medieval churches! I’m like a kid that’s been let out of school!’
    Bizarre. Usually it was Jess who was misbehaving and her mum laying down the law.
    ‘Embarrass the life out of me in public, then, why don’t you?’ said Jess. ‘Get drunk tonight and rip all your clothes off. Go for it.’
    ‘All right, then, I’ll try to behave,’ said Mum, as they arrived at the Lilacs. ‘But I might just go berserk again if I see something beautiful.’
    There were very tall wrought-iron double gates, with pillars on both sides and stone balls on top.
    ‘What a fabulous gate!’ said Mum. ‘What a wonderful path!’
    Jess sighed. She was completely off her head. Any minute now she would start kissing the tarmac.
    The door was opened by a tall thin man with a grey goatee. Mum introduced herself and immediately started to compliment him on the garden.
    ‘What a marvellous gate!’ she enthused.
    Jess cringed in anticipation of more foolish gushing.
    However, the B&B was really nice, with beautiful high-ceilinged rooms painted grey and yellow and blue. Jess’s room overlooked a stream, and while Mum went back to get the car and to fetch Granny, Jess lay on her bed and switched on her mobile.
    There were two messages! One from Fred and another one from Dad. Jess read Fred’s first.
    I’VE DECIDED TO LOOK FOR WORK. WILL SAVE UP TO GIVE YOU MASSIVE TREAT WHEN YOU GET BACK.
    Was this boy divine or not? Hastily Jess sent a text in reply, briefly describing the horrors of the trip so far and promising to elope with him the moment she got home.
    Dad’s message was typically eccentric.
    DID YOU GET MY TEXT YESTERDAY? LOOKING FORWARD HUGELY TO WELCOMING YOU TO MY HUMBLE ABODE. HAVE ORDERED A CARTLOAD OF CATFOOD AND A FLEA-COLLAR.
    Jess replied, CAN’T WAIT TO SCRATCH YOUR FURNITURE AND CATCH ALL YOUR DELICIOUS