up. I have to concentrate on keeping my voice neutral and not to fly into a furious, jealous rage. I must have him, is all I can think – he’s so close I could touch him. I have to stop myself from saying it out loud.
‘Well, have you
seen
her lately?’ I force myself to ask instead.
Answering his question with another question – I might as well find out what I can.
‘Not really, I suppose,’ he admits, sounding guilty about it. ‘I mean, we’re sort of friends but it’s… Oh, I don’t know. We don’t exactly stay in touch all the time.’
‘So you obviously don’t know her new best friends, Elyse and Melanie – they’re twins; theycame out of nowhere and started in our class halfway through term. They’re really weird.’
‘Well, Sorana can be pretty weird herself,’ he says with an awkward laugh.
‘Don’t be nasty – she’s not
that
bad,’ I reply automatically, trying to sound kind, then instantly realise my mistake – he was joking, and now I sound like a worse bitch than ever.
‘I didn’t mean it like that – forget it.’
‘Anyway, Elyse and Melanie – they’re
really
weird. Not just weird; they’re seriously bad news. They’re into loads of dark stuff, and they hang around with all these dodgy older guys. I think Sorana’s got really caught up in it all – she basically does everything they tell her.’
‘That doesn’t sound like Sorana. She usually does her own thing.’
‘Exactly. She’s changed,’ I say bleakly.
There is a pause. I cower back in my seat and wonder if I should say something else. It doesn’t matter what the correct answer is, because I can’t think of anything to say anyway. Why am I so fucking lame?
‘These guys Sorana’s hanging around with,’ Josh says eventually. ‘Are they anyone we know?’
‘I know there’s this guy Gareth,’ I say, a bit too eagerly, ‘and he’s got a stepbrother called Jago or something – I’ve heard them talking about it. They sound really dodgy.’
‘Well, I suppose Sorana can do what she likes,’ he says, a bit too defensively. ‘It’s not really anything to do with me.’
‘I just… I thought you might like to know, that’s all.’
I sound so stupid and I suddenly want to cry. I wish I’d never done any of this. It’s never going to work, because the problem’s still me.
I can’t help it. I do actually start to cry, twisting my head away from Josh and looking out of the window on my side. I manage not to make a noise but my shoulders won’t stop shaking.
‘I’m sorry. I guess we shouldn’t really discuss all this when you’re probably in shock. I’m not surprised you’re upset,’ Josh says kindly, patting my shoulder. ‘We’re nearly home. My mum should be around. She’ll know what to do; she’ll look after you.’
I don’t know why I assumed his place would be empty. If possible, my heart sinks a little further. If not for my depressing house and drunken mother, I could have taken him back to mine. I should have just swallowed my disappointment and let him take me home, admitted defeat. If only we could be alone somewhere – I suddenly have a feeling that parental involvement is going to blow this up to more epic proportions than I had foreseen.
My legs are still wobbling when we get out at Josh’s house. I straighten up my shirt and try to wipe my face as much as I can with my grubby hands before we go inside.
I’m surprised that his house looks pretty normal and, despite everything, I feel a spark of excitement at the idea of getting to see where he lives. I don’t know what I expected – then again, it’s sort of a relief to see how normal his life must be. It must be one of the reasons I like him – I wish my house were as nice and normal and lovely as this. A standard suburban semi with his mum’s bright yellow Mini parked outside, his younger brother visible through the front window watching TV, the noise of a happy family when you open the front