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coiled muscle and agitation.
    “Fucking A right I don’t
want kids,” he seethed. “I have sack enough to admit it, too, unlike you who
think you’re some kind of world beater.” His chest heaved as he stared me down.
Bill was close enough to reach out and snap my neck like a chicken’s. “Shit,
Rick,” he sighed. “My dad didn’t want kids, but my mom forced him into it. No
matter what I did, football, school, work, it was never good enough. I was
always just a nuisance to him. Sure, he puts on a good front for people, but
it’s a crock of shit. I know how he really feels. It drove him and my mom
apart. I don’t want you and Cat to go through that, and I wouldn’t wish that
kind of shit on any kid’s shoulders. Other than my mom, you and Cat are the
closest thing to family I’ve got, and I wanted her to know I’m willing to help
in any way possible.”
    “Any way possible, huh?”
    “That’s what I said,
isn’t it?”
    “Even if it’s yours?”
    Bill stopped breathing as
the void of silence swelled throughout the room.
    “What are you talking
about?”
    “Just what I said.” I sat
forward. “That’s why she was so pissed, Bill. She has no idea which one of us
is the father.”
    “You’re kidding,” he
said, his voice high and squeaky.
    “Do I look like I’m
kidding? She used one of those conception calculator things online. The night
we all screwed around came up as one of the possible dates.”
    Bill landed hard in the
recliner opposite me, glazed-over eyes staring at nothing. Eventually he
covered his face with his hands.
    “Oh my God. I can’t
believe this.”
    That made two of us. “I
don’t want to believe it either, but it’s the truth. Apparently, we weren’t
careful enough.”
    “This is
in-freaking-sane.”
    “I told her I’d be there
for her one hundred percent. Then she dropped all this on me out of the blue.
When she asked if I’d still be there for her, I couldn’t make up my mind, so
she left.”
    His eyes met mine. “She left you, left you?”
    “I don’t know, man. I
just don’t. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going.”
    “Holy shit. Holy shit .”
    “Still sure about paying
for that abortion?”
    Bill said nothing.
    “That’s what I thought.
Easy to say when you think you’re not involved.” I stood to leave. “I have to
go.”
    “What happens now?”
    I paused, my hand on the
doorknob. “No idea. I still want to be with her, but this changes everything.
It’s her decision.” I shook my head. “I have a lot of thinking to do, but I’m
not sure things’ll ever be the same after this no matter what happens.”
    “Things?”
    “Anything. Everything.”
    “Okay.”
    “I want to know one
thing, Bill.”
    “What?”
    “If it pans out that this
baby’s not mine, are you going to step up and do the right thing? Even if by
some miracle Cat and I are still together?”
    He paused. “I can’t tell
you that and be honest about it, Rick. A kid. Jesus. I’ll have to cross that
bridge if we get to it. That’s the best I can do right now.”
    I nodded, not bothering
to look back.
    A sudden wave of sadness
came over me as I stepped out the door. All of the bluster and anger
dissipated, leaving me hollow inside. I couldn’t help but think that I’d just
lost my best friend and a future with a great woman simply because of a bad
combination of hormones, booze, and thoughtlessness.

CHAPTER 11
     
     
     
     
    “Jesus Christmas,
Richard. You’ve gotten yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven’t you?”
    That about sums it up,
Mom .
    Still reeling from the
episode at Bill’s, I’d plopped on the couch as soon as I’d gotten home and
stared at the phone while the TV belted out white noise about a great new product
I had to have lest I die unfulfilled.
    An old co-worker of mine
had once called me a ‘puker.’ What is a puker? In this case, it has nothing to
do with an eating disorder or problems with one’s digestive system. A puker is
a