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I recognize him.” This must be the original.
    “Oh.” Clarice shuts up as Maggie presses play again.
    “What’s it about?” I ask, thinking there could be more action to the best kiss ever.
    “Barracks life in Hawaii in 1941.” Maggie hands me the DVD case so I can read the back.
    “World War One?” Clarice asks, munching on more chips.
    “Two. One was in the teens,” I answer. What number are we on now? Four?
    “He’s hot,” Maggie says.
    I look up. Not bad for a colorless man. “Where are the women?” This is way too old to be the first gay kiss, so where are our counterparts?
    Clarice says exactly what I’m thinking. “Okay, I’m bored. Can we fast-forward?”
    Maggie turns to me. “Do you think that affects the kiss rating? If we don’t know the whole story?”
    I compromise. Isn’t a kiss a kiss no matter what the rest of the story is? Would porn be so popular if the story was important? “Well, go to where we see a girl come in.”
    Clarice screeches “Stop!” when a woman comes on-screen. This woman’s got a reputation. She’s married. Is she giving him “the look”? They’re making eyes at each other. Is that allowed? How old is this movie? She smokes.
    We glance at each other, hoping we’re not the only one unsure of the content. Is this movie about unhappily married people? “How is this a great kiss? They haven’t even shaken hands,” I ask as minutes click by.
    “He likes her,” Maggie says.
    “Who?”
    “The sergeant guy,” Clarice answers.
    “How can you tell?” I ask, still dubious.
    “He’s ogling the pic on the guy’s desk,” Maggie says, zooming forward a little more.
    “Do they like each other or hate each other?” Clarice asks.
    “I can’t tell,” I say. “Can you tell?” I shrug, pointing to Maggie.
    “Not really. But isn’t that what great love is all about? Not liking each other, alternating with liking?” She doesn’t take her fingers off the remote.
    We skip more. Sandy beaches and bizarre swimming attire. “This could be it.” I have a vague recollection of my mother having watched this movie before. Ooo, they kiss. In the sand and covered in salt water.
    “Can you see anything?” Clarice turns her head to the side like she’s the camera and controls the scene.
    “His head is in the way.” Maggie shifts too.
    I’m not any closer to knowing anything. “Is that the kiss?
The
kiss?”
    “I don’t know. The list just has the title of the movie, not a specific kiss.” Maggie peers at the papers like the answer is there, waiting to be deciphered.
    “She gets around. They’re dating? I thought she’s married. Is she a tramp? He’s yelling at her and she finds this attractive. Chick needs therapy.” Clarice starts narrating the film.
    “Go faster, this sucks.”
    “Is he going to die?”
    “Yeah, think so.”
    “Then the kiss wasn’t that good, was it? Why’d it make the list? Pearl Harbor? We’re almost two hours into the movie and now they bomb Pearl Harbor?”
    Maggie skips the rest in superspeed.
    “So what did we learn? Boys die. Girls sail away and no one lives happily ever after. Why was this a great kiss movie?”
    “I don’t know.” Maggie has a crestfallen expression on her face. Her good idea could turn out to be a very bad one.
    “What’s next?” I ask.
    “Gone with the Wind,”
Maggie replies.
    “It’s like four hours long,” Clarice complains.
    “We’ll skip the unimportant stuff,” says Maggie.
    Forty minutes of fast-forwarding and one pee break later, we’re looking at THE END.
    “Huh.”
    “ ’Kay.”
    “Aside from a bunch of bigots, did you get anything from that?”
    Clarice shakes her head. “Me either.”
    “What’s next?” I can barely ask.
    “
Cruel Intentions
and
Wild Things
are the girl-on-girl best kisses.”
    “I thought we decided I’m not gay.”
    “
We
did, but this is just clarification. Besides, I’m pretty sure a kiss is a kiss is a kiss. And frankly, don’t girls do