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stunning than they had five years earlier. I’d never felt so plain in my entire life. And empty. Because I knew that in another life, with another turn of the dice, there would have been someone sitting at this table to reassure me that was simply not so.
    Cathy had dressed to stun, that much was obvious. The figure-hugging black halter-neck dress did exactly what it was supposed to do; the neckline and thigh-high split simultaneously allowing tantalising glimpses of both cleavage and long tanned legs. Her hair was blonder than I remembered and fluffed to perfection about her face. But it was Matt who drew my eye; who had always drawn my eye, I admitted honestly. Like Phil, he too looked taller and broader than my remembered image. His dark suit and crisp white shirt looked expensive, and from their immaculate fit I guessed they hadn’t been bought off the peg. His face was leaner, more chiselled than it had been, although his eyes, as they met mine and smiled in greeting, were still the same. I tried to smile convincingly back, thinking suddenly that this was just like earlier today when I had stood before my old house; that strange feeling that here was something that was mine, but yet clearly wasn’t mine all in the same moment.
    There was the usual round of greetings and I was glad of the flurry of hugs, handshakes and hellos, for it meant that by the time Matt leant down to kiss me lightly on the cheek, I had pretty much suppressed my purely hormonal reaction at seeing him again. Cathy too leant over to kiss me hello, and I saw something unreadable flicker behind her eyes as she took in my scarred face. Not that the scar itself should be a shock to any one of them. They had all visited me in hospital many times in the immediate aftermath of the accident. Until I had driven them all away, that was.
    The evening was a success and a failure both at the same time. On the surface we all appeared to be playing our roles just fine. There was the happy couple-to-be, surrounded by their old friends, gathered together from far and wide to wish them well. But it felt like we were all second-rate actors in a rather unoriginal play. We all said the right things, raised our glasses for toasts at the appropriate moments, but somehow the effort of not saying something about the last time we had all sat together around a dining table together was so immense that it suffocated any real pleasure out of the evening. I wondered how it felt to Kate and Dave and if they were aware of that too.
    I had assumed, wrongly, that most of the old group had still met up during their university breaks, so it was surprising to learn that although they had seen each other in ones and twos, not once had there been an event where everyone had been together in one place. I hadn’t known that the loss of Jimmy and my own disappearance had so effectively caused the glue between us to dissolve.
    At least there were no awkward gaps in the conversation to contend with. There was enough ground to cover in bringing everyone up to date with their lives that silence wasn’t the problem. We learnt that Matt had been working in his family’s business since finishing uni and Cathy was something in PR – she did explain it, but to be honest I wasn’t listening properly. I was far more fascinated with her body language than the words she was actually saying. From the moment she had sat down at the table, her every action seemed to screech out her possession of Matt. She was all but entwined around him as we waited to be served. In fact, given that most of her limbs seemed to be twisted in some way around his, I couldn’t help wondering if she’d have an arm free to eat at all. And the weird thing was, I knew this show of display was all for me. But why? It had been years since Matt and I had broken up. Broken apart , in fact, would be a better way to describe it. And after several excruciatingly painful and abortive attempts, he had finally stopped trying get in