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briefly. “Seven years ago. It was on and off for a couple of years. Not steady, but on and off.”
    “A couple of years? ” she asked, horrified.
    “On and off, Gerri,” he said. “I’d see her, then tell her I just couldn’t do that and wouldn’t see her again for months, then slip back, break it off, slip back. And so on.”
    “Oh, for God’s sake! Slipped? Can’t you come up with anything more intelligent than slipped? ”
    “No,” he said. “I honestly can’t. I never drank too much, my job was secure, my case load wasn’t any worse or high pressure than usual, we weren’t in any kind of huge crisis that I can remember, you and I were getting along just fine....”
    She felt the sting of tears in her eyes and it made her furious. “Then why? ” Her voice cracked.
    “I don’t know. She wanted me. Someone desirable actually wanted me. You and I were fine, but there were always so many complications keeping us from... I guess I was thinking like an eighteen-year-old. But really, there should be a statute of limitations on shit like this— I screwed up, I haven’t screwed up since and you can be damn sure it won’t happen again. And it was a long, long time ago.”
    “Who is she?”
    “No,” he said without hesitation. “She’s gone. It’s over. We haven’t had any contact in over five years and there’s nothing to be gained.”
    “I might have to see her,” Gerri said.
    “No,” he answered again. “I don’t know where she is, what her life is like, but I’ve messed up my life enough. There’s no point in messing up hers, as well. Gerri, I realize what happened is unforgivable in your eyes, but I’m here because I want to be your husband and want to be with my family. That’s the bottom line. That’s all I want. Whether it’s perfect or at times difficult, that’s my choice, not something I have to rely on willpower for. There was never any question about loving you.”
    “God, you can’t really have done this,” she said. “You had an affair for two years, and I never knew. Never even smelled it in the wind....”
    “I wasn’t with her often. I’m busy—you know that. And I never once missed a family thing to be with another woman, I swear to God. I never let it interfere with my family, my marriage or my job,” he said.
    “Well.” She laughed humorlessly. “What magnificent control. Tell me, was the sex at least fantastic?”
    “Irrelevant,” he said, bolstering himself with a deep drink.
    “Not to me, it’s not!”
    “Gerri, the worst sex I ever had was fantastic. Men and women probably look at that differently.”
    “You know they know in the prosecutor’s office.”
    He sipped again. Maybe nervously. “I realize there was some gossip, but I only leveled with one person—my boss. When it was over, I told the D.A. I’d been involved with someone in the office. I find it hard to believe he shared that with the troops. He has a lot of faults, but he learned how to keep confidences years ago.”
    “Why’d you tell him, then?”
    “I told myself it was because we serve at the discretion of the people—because if there was ever an accusation of any kind, I couldn’t let him be blindsided. But in the years since I realized that it helped to end it for good—confessing. Because I knew what I’d done was wrong and I was consumed by guilt. I think it was like standing up at a meeting and saying ‘Hi, my name is Phil and I cheated on my wife.’ He told me that behavior could not be tolerated and if I valued my job, it had to stop.” Phil chuckled. “Imagine that from him, huh? Son of a bitch has a revolving door for a zipper.” He took another drink. “I could have done the same thing here, with you—confessed, let you hit me over the head with a baseball bat until you were convinced I could be a better husband, but I couldn’t risk losing you.”
    Tears rolled down her cheeks and she stamped out the cigarette. “My God, Phil. I think my insides are