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happen really soon,’ said the first idiot, ‘I fink I will die of boredom.’
    â€˜Yeah, well,’ said the other idiot, ‘I reckon I am so bored that I prob’ly already have died of boredom.’
    â€˜Hang on,’ said idiot one, ‘someone’s coming.’
    â€˜Do me a favour, you say that every single day,’ said idiot two. ‘And you always say it at exactly seventeen minutes past four.’
    â€˜No, no, I mean it, someone really is coming.’
    â€˜You say that every day too.’
    â€˜I know, but no, I mean, I can hear a horse,’ said idiot one.
    â€˜You aren’t never said that before,’ said idiot two.
    â€˜That’s ’cos I din’t never heard a horse before. Look, see, horse and man on horse.’
    â€˜It’s a hippy,’ said idiot two. ‘Where’s me gun?’
    â€˜I fink the guns rustid away wiv boredom.’
    â€˜Oh yeah.’
    â€˜Hi, man,’ said Barry Trubshaw, climbing down from his horse. ‘Can I use your toilet?’
    â€˜Hippy wants the toilet,’ whispered idiot one to idiot two. ‘That’s all right, innit?’
    â€˜Yeah, course it is,’ said idiot two, ‘but we got to check him first.’
    He opened a folder and took out a set of photos.
    â€˜Are you any of these peeps?’ he said, spreading the pictures on the ground.
    The pictures were of the Floods.
    â€˜Cause if you are, we’re s’posed to kill you.’
    â€˜â€™Cept our guns is broke.’
    â€˜Look, man,’ Barry lied, ‘I don’t know who those dudes are, but you can see I’m not one of them.’
    â€˜That’s true,’ said idiot one.
    â€˜So can I use your toilet?’ said Barry. ‘It’s, like, pretty urgent, man.’
    â€˜No prob, mate,’ said idiot two. ‘’Cept for one fing.’
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜We aren’t got no toilet.’
    â€˜You can use my bush,’ said idiot one, pointing at an old gooseberry bush across the track.
    â€˜Or else you can use my bush,’ said idiot two,pointing at the gooseberry bush next to it.
    So he wouldn’t show any favouritism, Barry Trubshaw used both bushes.
    â€˜Do you two, like, live here on your own?’ he asked.
    â€˜Yes,’ said idiot one. ‘There’s me and him.’
    â€˜And the old bird,’ said idiot two.
    â€˜What, you mean, like, your wife?’
    â€˜No, no, mate,’ said idiot one. ‘It’s a bird. Like, it’s got fevvers.’
    â€˜Yeah, it’s in a cage,’ added idiot two.
    â€˜Why?’
    â€˜Dunno, but we’re s’posed to guard it. Stop anyone stealing it,’ said idiot two. ‘You wanna see?’
    â€˜Why on earth would anyone want to steal a scruffy old wreck like that?’ said Barry Trubshaw when they took him inside and showed him Vessel’s cage. ‘Does it talk?’
    â€˜Yeah, it does, acherly,’ said idiot one. ‘It swears all the time.’
    â€˜Rude words,’ idiot two giggled. ‘Go on, do some rude words, birdie.’
    Vessel let out a string of the filthiest curses and swear words that Barry Trubshaw had ever heard, followed by a lot more that he had never heard. The two idiots collapsed on the floor laughing, tears streaming from their eyes, doubled up with pain yet unable to stop.
    Barry Trubshaw went closer to Vessel’s cage and whispered, ‘Mordonna sent me.’
    Vessel fell off his perch.

    â€˜Hey, what you doin’ to that bird?’ said idiot one. ‘Did you poke it?’
    â€˜No.’
    â€˜I reckon you poked it wiv a stick.’
    â€˜No I didn’t.’
    â€˜So why did it fall off its perch?’ said idiot two. ‘Because I told it a swear word that it had never heard before,’ said Barry.
    â€˜Really? Brilliant. Tell it to us.’
    â€˜Mackerel,’ said Barry