his mother picks at her food, moving it around her plate, pretending no one notices sheâs not eating much.
A raw silence sits at the table with us, glassy and hard. Forks scrape the ceramic plates. Peopleâs lungs bellow into the quiet air. No one seems to care but me. I want to go home, but I donât know how to walk out of this.
âYou not hungry?â Harold asks.
âI donât know.â
âDiane worked hard,â he says.
âI know.â
My skin feels tight and thick. I can barely move.
âThe beans are too sweet to miss,â Harold says.
I lift my fork and poke at the food.
âDiane does that,â he says. âLook at her. Sheâs just a bone.â
The windows are fogged. The walls seem too close, too heavy. If there were somewhere for me to go, Iâd leave right now, but Momâs working and Grandmaâs sick. Grandpaâs down at the Eagleâs Club drinking and playing poker. No one wants me. Iâm stuck here. Iâll only be free after eating something.
âDo you have a girlfriend?â Harold asks.
I shake my head.
âYou donât need a girlfriend,â he says. âYouâre too young.â
Iâm shy and awkward. The collard greens are too sour and the pot roast is underdone. My belly turns.
âYou want a beer?â Harold asks.
Iâve had beer before. The bitter taste of it might clear my head. Harold gets a beer from the kitchen and sets it on the table
âDonât tell no one,â he says.
I sip it. It goes to my head. Iâm weak and wobbly. My hands seem too far away. Harold lights another cigarette, chewing the smoke with his yellow teeth.
âYou done with that food?â he asks.
âI think so.â
âIâll walk you home.â
Rain makes the night cold. Wind makes it loud. Trees rattle their fingers against their trunks. Fog blinds the valley. Harold puts his hand on my neck like a leash,steering me through the night. At the edge of the yard, we stop. Lights burn in the windows. Grandpaâs hounds come sniffing at us, making sure itâs okay for us to be there.
Harold leans in. He leans in and kisses the side of my neck. Shivers run like water along my ribs. The hairs of my arm tingle and twitch.
âIâll see you tomorrow?â he asks.
âSure.â
âTomorrow then.â
He walks away. I donât know what just happened, but somethingâs changed. Somethingâs never going to be the same again.
Getting High at the Still
T HEREâS A CLEARING down by the creek, hemmed in with oak trees and elms, all kinds of pine and cedar, chestnuts and yew. Harold keeps his still there, a mess of copper tubes, vats and crates of Mason jars stacked amongst the trees.
We walk through the woods, the soft ground giving under our feet. Rain and fog and smoke cloud the way. The creek laughs just over the rise. We pull up a couple of crates and build the fire. The mash boils and the whiskey dribbles. The place smells of ash.
He loads the pipe and we smoke pot and itâs good pot. My lips are numb. My nose tingles and my eyelids get heavy, drooping down until the lashes hang over my eyes like bars.
âYou ever drink this shit?â he asks.
âOnly Everclear.â
âClose enough.â
âI got sick.â
âToo much too fast,â he says. âThis is sipping whiskey.â
The leaves on the ground press into each other. Crows and jays scream at the sky.
âI like you,â he says.
His hands reach for my face. His hands hold my chin and my eyes close. The kiss is gentle and kind. Itâs wet and warm.
Slowly, the light spreads through me. He shows me the rain, the wind. He eats me alive and leaves me lying naked on the leaves, the sky dark and folded over me.
All I know is that this is not real. All I know is that the tears on my cheeks burn like candle wax. In the end, Iâm alone and the wind says my