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met a lap dance in public.”  Lea jumped to her feet.
    Barbie backed off a step and started to say something, but Lea cut her off.  “Don’t even try, because you might find me smacking the slut out of you in a minute!”
    The song changed into one I knew and I pulled Lea towards the dance floor.  “Let’s dance. Who cares what she’s doing.”
    With one hand on me, Lea grabbed for Conner with the other.  “Well, I care.  My boyfriend is watching it!”  Conner didn’t seem fazed though, which made me think he was probably used to Shane and his many friends.
    Tucker followed us to the dance floor and we all moved to the music together.  Well, all except for Tucker, who sort of bounced back and forth against the music.  Lea and I giggled into each other, watching him and his Stereotypical White Guy Dance, forgetting about Shane and the blonde airhead Barbie.
    We left after a few songs, and Conner and Tucker walked us home.  When we rounded our corner, I started to feel nervous.  Tucker was probably going to try to kiss me.  The kiss didn’t worry me as much as the feeling behind it.  Would I feel anything?  Or, would it be like every other time when I felt nothing but hollow; empty?
    Lea fumbled with the keys to the front door as Conner gave her tiny butterfly kisses on the back of her neck.  She laughed, opened the door and pulled him in by the collar.  They disappeared into the darkness of the hallway and probably headed straight for her room.
    I hesitated on the first step.  Torn between finally wanting to feel whole again and yet knowing I never would.  I climbed to the top step with Tucker right behind me.  I swear time slowed as I turned to face him.  His hand was already against my chin pulling me forward.  His eyes gazed into mine; warm chocolate.  I wanted to feel something; I wanted the longing to be over.  Closing his eyes, he touched his lips to mine.  Dry and chapped.  His body leaned into mine, his tongue separating my lips.  His kiss turned strong and rough, with the edge of his teeth sharp and lusty.
    He pulled back and we held each other’s gaze.  A lifetime of averageness flashed before my eyes.  Despair and sadness seeped through my veins.  Law firms, stuffy office parties, civil ceremony, miscarriages, suffering.  Not that he wouldn’t love me enough, I just would never love him enough, and he would never be faithful.  Why settle for something like that, when you’ve tasted heaven and you’ll always know what you’re missing?  I was still alone in this life.
    Tucker smiled down at me as if he had felt something different.  “I’m sure you hear this every day, but you have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.  They’re almost silver.”
    All I could offer was a half-smile.  I clutched his jacket tighter in fear that I might run and never come back.  All I could think of was Lea and how I couldn’t hurt her like that.  Nevertheless, I wanted this life to be over.  I would never stop longing for something that would never be real.  The emptiness in my soul was physically painful.
    Why couldn’t Tucker be the one I’ve waited for?
    “Could I take you out for dinner next weekend?  Just you and me?” he whispered as he planted little kisses on my nose and my cheek.  Any girl would be happy about this!
    “Like a date?” I moved back, trying subtly to stop the continuous kissing.  “Um...sure.  That sounds...nice.”
    He smiled wide and waited for me to say something else.  Did he think I was going to invite him in?  God, the thought of sleeping with him made me want to gag.  Don’t get me wrong, my body was up for it, but my mind was screaming obscenities at it.  Shane’s haunting lyrics played in my mind.
    I stand there
    And no one knew me
    I reach for her
    She looks right through me
    I can search this world over
    She can’t see me
    I drown in tears
    They look right through me
    That’s how it felt.  As if Tucker looked right through