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silence. That can be very hard for friends. But Jo, Kim and Amber can be with me in the quiet. Sometimes, they would just reach out and touch my hand or squeeze my shoulder. It was like once we’d cried and yelled and raged at the injustice of it all, we decided we’re just going to sit here and be together. We didn’t have to fill the silence with stories of what we did or what we were going to do, although we did that, too. And I think it’s often very hard for close friends to understand that sometimes you want them to be there but you don’t have to say anything, that their presence is as powerful as anything else.
    I am a woman of deep faith, but I was angry with God. Why was I being tested again? Why would I have to put my loved ones through this again? Over the course of my struggles, many have asked me if I ever lost faith. Stopped believing. The simple answer is no. I feel it’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it. Just don’t stay angry. It takes courage to believe that the best is yet to come. I hold steadfast to that belief, especially when I come face-to-face with adversity.

Chapter 7
I Want to Live
    M y doctors understood that my MDS was most likely caused by the chemotherapy that treated my breast cancer. MDS is a mysterious illness. For many patients, there is never a smoking gun, never an explanation of why their bone marrow had been permanently damaged. But for me, knowing how I had developed MDS was no comfort at all. Instead, it yanked me back—five years into the past—to my breast cancer diagnosis. At the time, I thought that was the fight of my life, and I thought it was a fight I had won.
    My journey with breast cancer began in July 2007. I was simply stretching my arms when I noticed a lump in my right breast. I thought to myself: “Funny, I don’t remember feeling that when I showered this morning.” I had recently moved full time to New York City and hadn’t found a doctor there yet. My colleague and dear friend Deborah Roberts referred me to her doctor, Albert Knapp. I scheduled an appointment with him for a general checkup, not mentioning the lump in my breast. I know, crazy, right? Perhaps if I didn’t mention the lump, I thought, it didn’t really exist. After all, my mom had repeatedly said: “We’re lumpy people.” My sisters and I had felt lumps over the years and they always turned out to be nothing. But deep down I knew this was different, because it felt different. This time the lump was very hard and didn’t really move when I pushed on it.
    Since it was my first visit with Dr. Knapp, he sat with me in his office before examining me. He wanted to know my family history. He has a warm, easygoing nature that put me at ease. It felt as if he had been my doctor for years. Again, I did not mention the real reason why I was there. Later, I was surprised to learn that 80 percent of people diagnosed with breast cancer have no prior family history. Eighty percent! It makes you wonder why there’s so much attention paid to disclosing prior family history.
    Dr. Knapp proceeded to examine me—just the basics, a “check under the hood and kick the tires” kind of exam. He was about to leave the examining room when I finally spoke up. “Um, Dr. Knapp, just one more thing before you go—could you check out this lump in my breast?” In the news biz that’s called burying the lead. That was the first thing I should have told him. He gave me a breast exam and immediately ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound. I walked a couple of blocks to the radiology center. Since it was the end of the day, I was told, if I could wait they would squeeze me in. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard stories of others having to wait months for a routine mammogram. I’m told if you have a lump, most places around the country will make an exception and see you in a more timely fashion. I believe in being patient and persistent. That is especially true when it comes to your health.
    My