first time ever. I think about that for a
second and then decide that thought is pathetic. I will not give my
first kiss to Jason.
“I’m sorry I am not feeling well Jason,” I
tell him, hoping he will get the hint.
“That is okay, Hannah. I am just hoping that
we can do this again soon.”
It has now come to my first step in having
some balls. I have to tell him no. I kept chanting, “I can do this.
I can do this,” repeatedly in my head. Then, all those thoughts of
wanting love, and to be loved, enter my head. What if he is the
only boy who will ever want me or find me cute enough to want to
kiss? I can’t let my only chance of a guy wanting me slip through
my fingers.
Before I know what I am doing, I blurt out,
“Yes, I really want to do this again.” I can’t believe I just did
that.
Jason stands there, smiles at me, gently
leans in, and then presses his lips to mine. I am so confused at
this moment. His lips feel so soft against mine. I can’t stand this
guy, but his lips on mine feels so good. It could be that he is an
incredible kisser, or because I have literally have nobody else to
compare him to. Jason pushes harder into the kiss and, before I
know it, his tongue is in my mouth and he tastes like heaven. I let
his tongue come into my mouth and I push back just as hard. I am
just hoping I am doing this right, because it sure feels like he is
doing it right. My body is tingling in places that I had no idea
they could tingle. I am scared shitless at this moment and I can
feel my entire body shaking.
Jason pulls his head back, rests his forehead
on mine, and asks, “Are you okay, Hannah? You are shaking.”
I just nod my head at him.
“Just nervous, Jason. Please ignore the
shaking,” I tell him.
The smile that spread across his face made me
think, maybe he isn’t that bad of a guy after all.
Then he said the, “It’s okay baby. I know
being with a guy like me can be a little intimidating. Don’t worry.
You will get used to being with all of this,” he said, as he moved
his hands up and down his body.
As he said this, I literally had to contain
vomit coming up. What that fuck is wrong with me? Am I so in need
of having someone love me that I would deal with this?
“Thanks Jason. I am sure I will,” I said,
trying so hard to not roll my eyes.
“Can I call you tomorrow?”
I look at this cute boy in front of me, and
all I can think is how much I can’t stand him. Then, all I could
think is how I sure wouldn’t mind kissing him again. I said the
only logically thing I could think, “Of course you can.” I smile
back at him. He leans in, gives me a quick hug, and then walks
away, waving back at me.
I turn around, walk into my apartment, and
can’t believe who I see standing there.
“What the hell are you doing in here Zane?” I
scream at him.
“I wanted to make sure you got back from your
date okay,” he says smiling at me. His eyes are swollen and have
already started to bruise.
“As you can see, I am fine, in one piece, and
now you can go. Before you leave, how the hell did you get in
here?”
“Rayanne let me in, when she got back from
her date, about an hour ago.”
Rayanne must have had a shitty ass date for
her to be back before me. I even cut my date short.
“Where is she now?” I ask him.
“She is in her room. I told her some things,
and she decided you and I should have a little talk, alone. I have
a lot I need to tell you, and I don’t know when the right time is
going to be right. I have so much I need to tell you, about me, and
the decisions I have made. I want to tell you now, but I think I
need to earn your trust and friendship first. Can we make a deal
right now? Hannah, you mean so much to me, and you always have, so
let me prove it to you by friendship. Once I know I have earned
your trust, I need to tell you the truth. I need to tell you about
all the things you think I did to you.”
In this moment, staring at Zane, I am so
confused. What does he