Read Dying to Be Me for Free Online Page B

to go through with anything I didn’t want to do. She apologized to me for not recognizing my fears earlier, and also for her part in making me undergo all this, at least thus far. She said that she needed to talk to my father, but she told me not to be afraid and that she’d support me through my decision.
    I felt a cathartic release that I’d never felt before.
    Then I spoke to Anoop about everything I’d told my mother. He immediately said, “Don’t worry, sis, I’m here for you. I wish you’d shared your feelings with us earlier. You needn’t have struggled with your emotions alone.”
    “But I didn’t realize I had a choice after the engagement,” I remember telling him tearfully.
    However, other than my immediate family, no one in our community took the news well at all.
    R ELATIVES, FAMILY MEMBERS, PROSPECTIVE family members, and others in our community were saddened, angry, and disappointed to hear this news. They came to see me, attempting to persuade me to go through with the wedding. They told me that it was normal to feel the way I did, that everything would be fine afterward, and that I should go through with it anyway. They tried to convince me that if I broke my commitment, no one else in our culture would want to marry me. My name would be tarnished, and no family would let their son near me.
    They tried to convince me that my ideals were unrealistic, especially for a woman. My expectations were too high, and I’d never find a suitable man because of this. Lower your expectations, be an obedient wife and daughter-in-law, and you’ll have a good life, I was told.
    I felt absolutely terrible for hurting everyone as I stood my ground. When I heard what people were beginning to say about me, I felt terrible about my decision and afraid for my future. People said that I wasn’t domesticated enough, that I was spoiled, and that my parents hadn’t brought me up properly. They also said that to be able to do something like that as a woman, I had too high an opinion of myself. I felt awful and sad. I didn’t want to socialize within our culture anymore. I regretted everything I’d done, from getting engaged to breaking off the engagement, for hurting my fiancé and his family, for hurting my family, for not being domesticated enough, for not being Indian enough. In fact, I regretted everything about myself.
    Why am I always apologizing? Why do I have to apologize just for being me? I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.
    I couldn’t bear all the explaining I had to do and the people I had to deal with. So just days before the wedding was to take place, with everything bought and paid for—all the arrangements made, gifts piling up, and friends and relatives arriving from different parts of the world—I ran away. I went on a long trip to see some of my old friends in India and the UK. I just wanted to disappear, to get out of the way of our community until everything simmered down, because I didn’t want to deal with anything except my own emotions. I needed to sort myself out. I knew that the next phase of my life wasn’t going to be easy.

     

CHAPTER 4
     
    My True Love
     
    After I returned to my parents’ home in Hong Kong, I didn’t want to integrate back into the Indian community since I felt like a complete social misfit. So I turned my attention toward developing a career in an attempt to gain some independence.
    “I got the job!” I cried one day as I burst through the front door of our apartment, where my father was sitting in his favorite armchair, watching the evening news.
    One of my friends had told me about a vacancy where she worked, because she thought the job would be a perfect fit for me. Her employer was a French fashion-accessory company that distributed their goods throughout Asia. The position would entail assisting the sales manager in promoting the products and fulfilling wholesale orders, with the possibility of travel to neighboring cities. I wasn’t