Read Douglass’ Women for Free Online Page A

Happiness.
    We met every Thursday in Miz Baldwin’s kitchen. I fixed dinner. Fed him my lightest biscuits. My sweetest yams. Poured him lemonade I’d squeezed with my own hands. And though nobody was in the house except us, we whispered plans. Whispered about free papers, the best route, the money needed for trains, the ship to New York. Though we never spoke of it, it would be my money that would ease things. Freddy’s Master allowed him to hire his time. But come Saturday, Freddy paid his Master three dollars. He be lucky if he got ten cents back. I had dollars—nearly a hundred—sewed inside my pillow. Dollars from years of sweat, mending my dresses, not buying myself pretty things and from laundering other folks’ clothes.
    Freddy say he going to be my new half. He say Mam will understand if I send her less. He say, “God helps those who help themselves.”
    I knew Freddy was right. We had a family to preparefor. Still, my heart was sore. I paid a penny to a man who sent Mam my money and spoke my words of love to her.
    Freddy say, “Let me write her.”
    I duck my head like a baby bird. “Mam can’t read. Me either.”
    The tallow candles burned low, but I could still tell Freddy wasn’t pleased. Like some shadow crossed his face, making his features flat, his eyes, without spark. He pushed back the chair, stood, and came round to me. Lifting me from my chair, he caught my hand, pressed it to his chest, swearing, “I’ll teach you to read. When we’re free, I’ll teach you.”
    It was his holy promise. His vow.
    I felt his breath on my face. Sweet breezes. Felt the strength in his hand, the calluses on the palms. I swayed toward him. His arms circled me like silk twine.
    It be the first time I felt Freddy’s arms about me. My breath came in shallow bursts. I nearly swooned thinking there’s no other place I’d rather be.
Love be true
.
    Kitchen fell away. Everyday life, just gone. Didn’t matter flies buzzed over the leftovers. Didn’t matter this wasn’t our house. Didn’t matter I should be wiping dishes, cleaning, attending to the starter yeast, the stove’s fire.
    Feeling the fabric of his clothes through mine, I felt new feelings. Special feelings. Things I’d never felt. I didn’t stop to think how Freddy felt inside. I only knew I wanted to touch his outside. I’d healed his body once and, God forgive me, I wanted to touch his flesh in a new way. Touch him like I’d never touched anyone before.
    I reached up, stroked his cheek. Then, more boldly, caressedhis hair. I felt his arms tighten about me. All this time I’d kept my eyes and mind on his chest, on the skin I knew was beneath his shirt.
    “Anna—this isn’t proper.”
    His voice sounded far off. Like he wasn’t really there at all. I knew he was trying to speak caution. But I didn’t care. In this strong man, I could sense a weakness. Weakness for me.
    Me? Whoever thought me a shameful Delilah?
    I stepped closer, laid my cheek on his chest. I smiled, feeling him breathing with me. Heat burst through me. Standing still, we were breathless, running toward life.
    I felt the swelling between his legs. And I thought, just as clear, this man be my husband. For the first time, I felt so much a woman. No man had ever touched me special.
    Did Freddy ever touch someone? This upset me so. Imagining Freddy holding another woman made me cry out. I looked up. His eyes be fixed on me. Staring, piercing my soul. Then, slowly, sweetly, his head came down and we kissed the world away.
    Didn’t take long to undress, to move to my twilight-lit room. To my small cot. We sealed our union as husband and wife. Without saying so, we agreed to mate. Just jumped over the broom like common slaves. I’d sworn I’d wait for a church wedding. But my body had its own language, its promises to keep.
    I could feel his trembling. His desire. His need working from inside his body to inside mine.
    Freddy may not have loved me then. But he loved what was