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must communicate with her through actions she can understand and interpret.)
Start by putting on your coat in front of the dog (even if it’s hot) and grabbing your keys. She’ll probably show all kinds of distress like whining, barking in your direction, and circling around you. Ignore her, say nothing to her, and then sit down at a table or any place where she can’t jump up on you. Sit there until she calms down. Then stand up, take off your coat and put the keys away, still ignoring her. Repeat this chicanery several times until she stops acting crazy.
Now, put on your coat, grab your keys, walk to the door, and open it. Again, she’ll probably get all upset, and when she does, sit back down and wait for her to chill. Repeat until it doesn’t bother her anymore.
Next, put on your coat, grab your keys, open the door, and step outside. Leave the door open so she can see you, and immediately step back inside and sit down. Repeat as necessary.
This time, put on your coat, grab your keys, open the door, step outside, and wait a few seconds. Then come back in, sit down, and ignore her. The idea here is to get her used to not seeing you for a few seconds at a time with the full expectation that you will return. Lengthen the time you stay outside from seconds to minutes, and always ignore her when you come back in.
Once she understands that you always come back from the other side of the door, it’s time to teach her the verbal cue. Now, each time you put on your coat, grab your keys, open the door, and step outside, you say, “Long live the king.” You could also say, “I’ll be back” or something, but I always say, “Long live the king,” because I’m extremely superstitious about my health. Whatever the cue is, always use the same one. Do this several times, always returning within a few minutes and sitting down.
Finally, you’re ready to increase the time you remain on the other side of the door, so put on your coat, grab your keys, grab an adult beverage, open the door, step outside, saying, “Long live the king,” and stay outside for longer and longer periods of time. Each time, return and sit down.
Now here’s the part I didn’t want to tell you about earlier: You must repeat this whole process every time you leave for at least a week. It’s a headache, I know, but it will eventually work. Think of it as house-training a puppy: It’s time-consuming in the beginning, but well worth the effort in the end. Try to make it fun for yourself; have a friend outside to talk to, enjoy an adult beverage, buy a Game Boy or an MP3 player, and just enjoy being outside. Don’t worry about the fact that your neighbors are watching you walk in and out of the house with your winter coat on in the summer; wave like they are the crazy ones. (It’s also great for dealing with human kids who don’t want to go to daycare.)
    Once your dog understands that you aren’t abandoning her every time you leave, reinforce her sense of security by leaving her an article of your clothing to smell and the TV or radio on. Better yet, buy a Kong toy at the pet store and leave it with her. This is a hard, plastic toy you stuff with treats, which by design are tough to get out and keep your dog’s mind off the fact that you aren’t around. Hannah enjoys a Kong stuffed with peanut butter (that I froze overnight, like a Popsicle) and now runs to her crate when I grab my keys.
    While this training works with 90 percent of all dogs, there are some who have such severe histories of abuse and abandonment that nothing works but drugs. I’m a big believer in better living through chemicals. I myself use ... well, a lot of medication prescribed by Dr. Gupta, who, exasperated with my lack of progress on the couch, said a bunch of heady stuff about the lack of serotonin in my brain and neurotransmitters doing this and that, but ended with what I consider a plausible excuse: “If it works, why not?”
    Currently the only two medications for