Read Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States for Free Online Page B
Authors: Dave Barry
agreement, and the new nation was in danger of collapsing before it ever really had a chance to get started. But just when the convention appeared to be at a total impasse, the aging statesman Benjamin Franklin rose to his feet and, as the other delegates listened raptly, emitted a three-foot streamer of drool. The others alertly took this to be a sign from the wily veteran Communicator that it was time to ratify the U.S. Constitution, and so they did.
THE U.S. CONSTITUTION
The Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches:
1. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that no individual
taxpayer would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on. 2. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that probably made a
lot of sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are. 3. Statuary.
This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the government will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from some other part.
The highest-ranking officer in the government is the president, who is elected to a four-year term after a three-year, nine-month campaign in which he is required to state that he has a Vision and plans to provide Leadership. The president’s primary duties are to get on helicopters; bitch about Congress; and send the vice president abroad to frown with sorrow at the remains of deceased foreign leaders.
The Constitution also provides for the election of a Senate, which consists of two white men in gray suits from each state; and a House of Representatives, which consists of three or four hundred men named “Bob” or “Dick” with blond wives whose hobbies are gardening, furniture, and the mentally retarded. The primary duties of the members of both houses of Congress are:
1. Running for reelection. 2. Having staffs. 3. Getting subsidized haircuts. 4. Sending out newsletters featuring photographs of themselves standing next
to the president, designed to create the impression that the president is
relying upon them for advice and counsel, when he is in fact trying to
remember who the hell they are.
How a Bill Becomes a Law
First the bill secretes a substance that it uses to form a cocoon, and then it … No, sorry. That’S how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The way a bill becomes a law is:
1. A member of Congress notices that there is some problem afflicting the
nation. For example, he might notice that the nation is not observing a
sufficient quantity of idiot official days and weeks, such as National
Tractor Mechanic Awareness Week, and so he introduces a bill to correct
this problem. 2. The bill is referred to a committee, which forms a subcommittee for the
purpose of going to Geneva, Switzerland, to see if there are any facts
there that might be useful. 3. The bill is reported back to the committee, which holds hearings and
receives testimony from interested parties such as the American Aspirin
Bottle Manufacturers Association. 4. Needed amendments are attached to the bill, for example an amendment
designed to protect the American consumer from the potential dangers of
aspirin bottles manufactured by unfair foreign competitors. 5. The bill is reported out of the committee. 6. Everybody goes on vacation for a couple of weeks. 7. The bill is reported back to the committee. 8. The bill is reported to the police. 9. The Supreme Court declares the bill to be unconstitutional. 10. The Cheese stands alone.
The Bill of Rights
The first ten amendments to the Constitution are known as “The Bill of Rights,” because that is what everybody calls them. These amendments spell out the basic rights that all of us enjoy as Americans:
The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how
small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports. The Second Amendment
THE U.S. CONSTITUTION
The Constitution divides the federal government into three equal branches:
1. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that no individual
taxpayer would ever in a million years voluntarily spend money on. 2. Mammoth, labyrinthian departments set up for purposes that probably made a
lot of sense originally, but nobody can remember what they are. 3. Statuary.
This separation of powers creates a system of checks and balances, which protects everybody by ensuring that any action taken by one part of the government will be rendered utterly meaningless by an equal and opposite reaction from some other part.
The highest-ranking officer in the government is the president, who is elected to a four-year term after a three-year, nine-month campaign in which he is required to state that he has a Vision and plans to provide Leadership. The president’s primary duties are to get on helicopters; bitch about Congress; and send the vice president abroad to frown with sorrow at the remains of deceased foreign leaders.
The Constitution also provides for the election of a Senate, which consists of two white men in gray suits from each state; and a House of Representatives, which consists of three or four hundred men named “Bob” or “Dick” with blond wives whose hobbies are gardening, furniture, and the mentally retarded. The primary duties of the members of both houses of Congress are:
1. Running for reelection. 2. Having staffs. 3. Getting subsidized haircuts. 4. Sending out newsletters featuring photographs of themselves standing next
to the president, designed to create the impression that the president is
relying upon them for advice and counsel, when he is in fact trying to
remember who the hell they are.
How a Bill Becomes a Law
First the bill secretes a substance that it uses to form a cocoon, and then it … No, sorry. That’S how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The way a bill becomes a law is:
1. A member of Congress notices that there is some problem afflicting the
nation. For example, he might notice that the nation is not observing a
sufficient quantity of idiot official days and weeks, such as National
Tractor Mechanic Awareness Week, and so he introduces a bill to correct
this problem. 2. The bill is referred to a committee, which forms a subcommittee for the
purpose of going to Geneva, Switzerland, to see if there are any facts
there that might be useful. 3. The bill is reported back to the committee, which holds hearings and
receives testimony from interested parties such as the American Aspirin
Bottle Manufacturers Association. 4. Needed amendments are attached to the bill, for example an amendment
designed to protect the American consumer from the potential dangers of
aspirin bottles manufactured by unfair foreign competitors. 5. The bill is reported out of the committee. 6. Everybody goes on vacation for a couple of weeks. 7. The bill is reported back to the committee. 8. The bill is reported to the police. 9. The Supreme Court declares the bill to be unconstitutional. 10. The Cheese stands alone.
The Bill of Rights
The first ten amendments to the Constitution are known as “The Bill of Rights,” because that is what everybody calls them. These amendments spell out the basic rights that all of us enjoy as Americans:
The First Amendment states that members of religious groups, no matter how
small or unpopular, shall have the right to hassle you in airports. The Second Amendment
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