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they’re boots, they’re quite sensible, but I think she
doesn’t have her own physical identity yet.   “My grandma, you’re very nosey” and it
just came out, but then she is, and then I realise that I don’t mind, and it’s
stupid to be like this, silent and judging and building a huge wall between
us.   I see congress tart crumbs on
the floor and wonder about the rat in my car, I know it’s a rat now because I
saw fresh droppings this morning.   It’s funny, no it’s not, it’s disgusting.   I mustn’t tell her, she’ll be horrified
and I don’t want to horrify her, I want it all just and equal “oh sorry, I
didn’t mean to be rude” and I am aware of her again, she is here in my room and
this is real life it is not a daydream.   Her voice is Midlands, Birmingham I think “I was just interested, I’m
sorry” and she does look sorry, she looks like she’s trying too hard now.   Don’t
try, just be you , I am thinking but instead I say “I don’t mind, what else
do you want to know?” and I laugh, a silly laugh really because it means nothing
and Coningsby purrs through the golden cream of her head.   “You’re sure you don’t mind?” and she
carries on before I have time to answer “well, so your grandma died?   When was that?”
“over a year ago”
“I’m sorry” she said and she did look sorry, “did you live here with her then”
“I grew up with her, my parents died in a car crash when I was a baby”
“fucking hell” she said puffing frantically on her efag, phoo, phoo, phoo “that
must have been awful.   You really
don’t mind me asking?” but before I had time to answer, almost before she had
finished the last word, she began the next.   “How did you all cope with that?   Your grandma must have been really nice”
“that doesn’t follow, but yes, she was adorable” and then, because I couldn’t
help it, I told her about grandma, I told her how after she died, I found a
letter in her bedroom addressed to me, it was on her chest of drawers, as I
picked it up in my right hand I caught sight of myself in the mirror and the
bed behind me.   “It was a shocking,
exciting thing to find, I didn’t want to open it at first.”   I told her how I held it really tight,
so I wouldn’t drop it or lose it and took it down in to the kitchen and rang
Frank.   I told her about Frank, a policeman,
and a sort of honoury grandpa to me and grandma’s best friend.   “Frank said he’d come over and be with
me whilst I opened it, but then I just couldn’t wait any longer and I ripped it
open.   I told Jo that I was
expecting a big long letter, maybe buried treasure or an old vendetta or
something, but all it said was ‘don’t have any wild parties when I’m gone.   Love Grumps xxx’
“That’s all it said” I told her.   And I told her that when I was a little girl I always thought that proof
of her madness or excitingness was that it took her 6 times to pass her driving
test, I mean other adults passed it first time.   But after I’d failed my 6 th test, she sent me a text and it said ‘ha ha! beaten you’.   I am talking too much, I am talking too
quickly, and I can’t help it “she was very funny.”   I had got carried away and was speaking
with too much excitement to someone I didn’t even know.   I have to try to remember to curb that,
but Jo looks interested “she sounds brilliant, I would have liked to have known
her.   Did she used to drive a pale
blue old Daf around by any chance?
I was driving around here one time and this old lady was coming towards me
driving the wrong way down a one way street, and all I did was wind down my
window and say ‘this is a one way street’ and she called out to me, all posh,
“I know, I live here” she must have thought I was a tourist I suppose with my
accent.”  
“She hated tourists making the roads busy in the summer time, she couldn’t do
what she liked then!” but my potential lodger has