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else’s genitals, organized in a configuration utterly unique to you. The entire range is normal. Beautiful. Perfect. And because it is true for each and every facet of human sexual expression. As we’ll see in the chapters that follow, from genital response to spanking fetishes, our sexual physiology, psychology, and desires are all made of the same parts, just organized in different ways.
    If we embrace this simple, profound idea—all the same parts, organized in different ways—it answers that ever-popular question: Are men’s and women’s sexualities the same, or are they different?
    Answer: Yes.
    They’re made of the same parts, organized differently.
    While we can see obvious group differences when we look at populations—male and female bodies—there’s at least as much variability within those groups as there is between those groups.
    I can illustrate with a nonsex example. The average height of an adult woman is five feet four and the average height of an adult man is five feet ten, a six-inch difference between the two groups’ averages. But height varies more within each group than between the groups. If you measured the heights of a thousand random people—five hundred men and five hundred women—you’d find that nearly all the women would be between five feet and five feet eight—an eight-inch difference within the group—and nearly all the men would be between five feet four and six feet four—a twelve-inch difference. Notice three things: There’s more difference within each group (eight or twelve inches) than between the two groups (six inches); there are four inches of overlap between the groups; and one or two hundred people among the thousand would be outside even these wide ranges! 9
    The same goes for sex. Within each group we find a vast range of diversity—and I don’t mean just anatomically. I mean in sexual orientation, sexual preferences, gender identity and expression, and—the subject of the rest of this book—sexual functioning: arousal, desire, and orgasm. We also find overlap between the two groups, and we find folks who vary wildly from the “average” while still being perfectly normal and healthy.
    Some authors argue that the differences between men and women are more important than the similarities. Others say that the similarities are more important than the differences. My view is that the basic fact of homology—all the same parts, organized in different ways—is more important than either.
    And variety may be the one and only truly universal characteristic ofhuman sexuality. From our bodies to our desires to our behaviors, there are as many “sexualities” as there are humans alive on Earth. No two alike.
Here’s the kind of conversation you have when you’re a sex educator out drinking with your friends:
Laurie: “This woman I know told me if she ever has kids, she’ll have plastic surgery on her ladybusiness right after she gives birth, because she thinks it won’t look good anymore.”
Camilla: “Did you tell her that the cosmetic medical-industrial complex paid a lot of money to make sure she felt that way about her body, so that they could profit from her needless self-criticism?”
Laurie: “No, I told her that once you have kids, your partner is just glad if they ever get to see your business, whatever it looks like.”
Emily: “Let’s invent a ritual where women celebrate the transition into their postpartum bodies. I mean, it’s not just its appearance that changes, it’s what your body means, to yourself and to the world.”
Laurie was the only mom in the group, and she was the only one who didn’t look at me like I was on drugs. She said, “I totally want a ritual. Anything to make it easier to live in a body that feels like a deflated balloon.”
“But you’re so beautiful!” everyone said instantly.
The compliments to Laurie’s indisputable beauty flowed even faster than the wine, but a few days later, Laurie told me that was the