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I’ve seen it when I leave him awake, and it never stops hurting.
    This is easier. For me, anyway. This way, I can pretend it’s months ago, the first few days after school had ended for the year, and we were curled together in his bed while his mom was at work. It was early summer, the air soft and warm and slightly damp, and he had fallen asleep after … well, after.
    It was one of the first times I got to watch him sleep, and it was so strange, having him right there but somehow not. The way he sort of melted into the sheets, boneless and completely comfortable, his hair stuck to his forehead in two places, and a thin sheen of sweat on his collarbone. After a while his eyes had started to move beneath his lids as he dreamed, and he suddenly smiled, a startling flare of happiness before his mouth softened again.
    That never happens now, no matter how long I watch him. And like everything else, I know that’s my fault, too.

CHAPTER SIX

    I MANAGE TO AVOID TALKING TO GABRIEL, OR pretty much anyone, until lunch the next day. I walk into the cafeteria starved, since I forgot my lunch this morning, knowing Jess is here somewhere. We only have lunch and gym together this year.
    It smells like sauerkraut and dust and sweat, and I grab a yogurt and a PB&J from the end of the line. If I eat quickly, I can probably manage to sneak off to the library without seeing her, not that I imagine she’s looking for me. When Jess gets her mad on, it usually stays put for a while.
    But it’s not Jess I bump into when I turn around, the pitted plastic tray wobbling in my hands. It’s Gabriel, taking a bite of an apple with his head tilted sideways, as if I’m some science experiment he’s not sure he executed right.
    “God, what ?” The words are out of my mouth before I can think twice, and he just gives me this amused smile.
    “Thought you might want some company,” he says with a shrug.
    “You thought wrong,” I tell him, and head for the tables at the far end of the room. It’s the size of the gym, and just as noisy, and the mostly empty table I’m aiming for seems miles away.
    Especially since Gabriel follows right behind me, as if I haven’t spoken at all, as if I haven’t been shooting him “keep away” vibes all day. I think Stalker at him, really loud, but when I glance over my shoulder, he only looks sort of confused.
    “God, go away,” I hiss at him as I set my tray down. The two freshmen at the other end of the table look up, startled, and I roll my eyes. “Not you.”
    Gabriel pulls out the chair across from mine and sits down, but before I can say anything else, he holds a hand up. “Look, I get it. I shouldn’t have … I didn’t mean to make this weird. But I wanted to say sorry. Okay? It’s no big deal. I mean, it is, but … I’m not going to say anything.”
    My heart is pounding again, and I’m so tired of it. It’s exhausting, all that adrenaline and whatever it is that makes me the way I am, tingling in my veins like some biological red alert.
    I stare at Gabriel for a second, and his cool gray eyes are serious. I know he’s not teasing me, even though that would probably be easier to deal with. I flick my gaze to the two girls at the other end of the table. They’ve stopped eating, mom-made sandwiches still clutched in their hands, and I glare. They grab their paper bags and half-eaten carrot sticks and take off.
    “That wasn’t nice,” Gabriel says, but he’s grinning. Slouched across from me in faded navy cords and a plain gray pullover, he actually looks a little too comfortable.
    “Freshman girls are the only people I can actually push around, so I have to take advantage sometimes.” I fold my arms across my chest and sit back. “What exactly is no big deal? You know, that you’re so generously not going to tell everyone.”
    It’s a dangerous move—I don’t actually want him to spell it out, especially not here in the cafeteria, but I have to know what he knows.
    It’s like