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pillow over my head and go back to sleep, but my shut eyes filled up with images of Vaughn. They weren’t good ones. I remembered the first look I’d had of him, that night many weeks ago. He’d been hard edged and handsome, but there had been no trace of kindness on that face. His blue eyes had turned on me cold as ice, as if I were just another piece of wall to walk past.
    I believed him when he’d said it was an act, but it was an effective mask he could put on. He’d be wearing it today.
    I’d thought I’d feel fine about it if I just brought it up and we talked about it openly. I’d been meaning to call him ever since he left, but then he’d read my mind and called me. There’d been so much fear in his voice, so much doubt. I couldn’t just ask him to leave if it would tear him apart.
    But why hadn’t he read me? Why didn’t he see how truly messed up this whole situation was?
    I twisted my tension out into my blanket. No, if I couldn’t live with this, then I would have spoken up. He’d wanted to stay on course and I hadn’t diverted him. Now I needed to live with that choice.
    I popped out of bed to brush and shower. Soon I had coffee percolating in the maker downstairs. I sat on the porch with a mug of it in sweats, bathing in the earthy aroma.I had nothing for the day - no shift, no real work. I could study. There was never enough time for that, but I didn’t think venturing in my mind was a good idea.
    I flicked through numbers on my phone. There actually wasn’t an awful lot of ‘Vaughn’ in my history. We were either together or we didn’t talk. Today would fall into the latter category. I tried Marissa, cause I knew she lived nearby, but she didn’t pick up. It was a Saturday morning. She’d be on top of some guy probably.
    My next choice was Aubrey. I was just going to text her to ask if she wanted to gather Faith and meet, but I felt like speaking. She picked up, first ring.
    “Hey Meagan.”
    “Hey, honey. I didn’t wake you up right?”
    “No, no, I was already starting to get ready.”
    My mood dipped. “Oh you got plans?”
    “No, I mean I decided that I’d meet up with you after all.”
    I didn’t remember arranging anything. “What do you mean?”
    “I mean, what the hell, I’m close to downtown anyway, right? Why not join you and see what this rally is all about?”
    “The rally?” Oh, no. “I’m not going to that. I was just messing around.”
    “You’re not going?”
    “Yeah, no. I’m not.”
    “What the hell, Meg?” She groaned like a disappointed tiger. “You got me looking into this stuff. I’m curious now.”
    “What, you’re a white supremacist?”
    “Yeah, you know me, just looking for a reason. Ugh, no, I’m in psych. These people are interesting psychologically.”
    “Dumb, you mean.”
    “Whatever. In any case, I’m going. Please come? It’s gonna be so awkward if I’m standing there listening to that stuff without a certified black friend next to me.”
    “No, Aubrey, I don’t wanna hear that junk.”
    “Oh come on, you know they’re harmless. It’s like that crazy guy holding up signs on campus.”
    I had a panicked vision of her eyes roaming across a line of hard eyed bikers and landing on Vaughn’s face. He wouldn’t recognize her, but I doubted she’d forgotten him.
    “It’s gonna be boring, Aubrey. Just pointless sermons and stuff.”
    “Yeah, so there’s no big deal right? Well, either way, I’m going. Please let me know if you’re going to change your mind. Also, please change your mind.”
    I let out a nervous laugh. “Fine, but don’t hold out.”
    “K. Love ya.”
    The line clicked off. This was my fault. I’d invited this madness into my life. All of it, really, but this in particular. I paced on my creaking porch, rapping my fingers along the coffee cup and trying to picture a way Aubrey would pass over Vaughn. Maybe he would be hard to tell apart from his club. A bunch of buzzcut white guys in the same outfit