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she was going to be sobbing for real. “You still don’t get it, Seth. I’m not trying to punish you. This isn’t to make you suffer or to make some sort of dramatic point. You’re not the only one who’s made this situation into what it is. I’ve made it too. I’ve let this happen to us, to me. And I need to get away—for a little while.  I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”
    Seth’s jaw was clenched so tightly that a little muscle worked in his cheek. He was staring at her, with that hint of panic growing deeper in his eyes. “Is this about having to give up your career?”
    Erin made a face. “Not exactly. Maybe a little. It’s connected some, I guess. But it’s not the main thing.”
    “I thought you’d reconciled yourself to that,” he said, looking suddenly wary. “I know it was hard for you, but you haven’t been looking for a job so… so I thought you were happy being a wife and mother.”
    “I am,” she burst out, the tears streaming out of the corners of her eyes now. “I am. I want to be a wife and mother, but I want to be Erin too.”
    It wasn’t a very good explanation, but Seth seemed to understand. He closed down, shutting off his expressions and responses the way he always did when something hurt too much. Finally he muttered, “Aren’t you still Erin?”
    “I don’t know,” she admitted, turning around so he wouldn’t see how hard she was crying. “I’m not sure.”
    There wasn’t anything else she could do, so she moved back to the bed and folded another pair of jeans into the suitcase, her eyes still streaming with tears.
    Seth recovered more quickly than she’d expected, and he stepped over to gently put his hand on her shoulder. “Erin,” he murmured, mildly, huskily, “Erin, I had no idea you were worried about losing your identity.”
    “I know. I didn’t tell you. That’s part of the problem. As I said, you aren’t the only one who’s contributed to this situation.”
    “But why can’t we work this out together. We both need to deal with some things, but surely we can do it better together. We can’t work on being a family if we’re apart.”
    She nodded and sniffed urgently. Tried to compose herself the way Seth had. “I know. And we will work on it. But I need some time without you first.” Before he could object, she hurried on. “I know what will happen if I stay. This will have scared you, so you’ll be attentive and loving and sweet for weeks or maybe even months. And it will feel so good to have you back again that I’ll just fall back into our old patterns. And then weeks from now, or months, or however long it takes, you’ll get absorbed in work again, you’ll pull more and more away, and I’ll just let it happen—because I still won’t really know who I am or what I want out of life. I need to get away, Seth. I need to think through this objectively.”
    “But you’re not supposed to think about your family objectively. You’re supposed to think about us with your heart.”
    Erin was crying again. Louder than before. But she forced out between sobs. “I love you, Seth. That hasn’t changed. But I want to love myself too.”
    Seth’s head jerked to the side, and she was relieved she couldn’t see his eyes. His dress shirt was wrinkled and slightly damp in the middle of his back, and there were more lines than she remembered beside his eyes and mouth. She knew how drained he was after working so hard for the last month. She knew she was slamming him with this on the day after he’d returned, and she ached for him, as much as for herself.
    “Please let me go. Just for a couple of weeks. Then we’ll go from there.” She needed for him to accept this—at least in part—if she was ever going to make it out the door.
    Seth swallowed hard. Gave a slight nod. Still wasn’t looking in her direction.
    Erin released a shuddering sigh. “I’m going to take the girls to my dad’s.”
    His head jerked back toward her. “You’re