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circumstances, and I opted for the cheeseburger Lean Pocket. I thought about taking a look outside but didn't want to upset myself further with the sunlight. "It's best to get back to your area," I said with a little disdain, and then noticed a houseplant that needed a trim. So I backtracked to the kitchen to grab my kitchen shears and went and cut the plant some bangs.
    Four hours and two Lean Pockets later, I was immersed in the movie version of Sex and the City . "Not prepared" is an understatement. I had to pause the movie several times during the wedding to gain control of myself. Not only was watching that kind of rejection heart-wrenching, but my face had become so swollen from crying that I could barely see out of my eyes. I also had a modicum of concern that if my tear ducts didn't get a rest, there was a risk of reversing my recent LASIK surgery. I hadn't cried like this since Norbit .
    Tissues surrounded me in my bed, along with plates covered in Lean Pocket crusts, because I had eaten only the insides. It dawned on me right there and then, propped up in my bed wearing nothing but my bra and underwear, that I had spent the better part of my day hysterically crying while eating out Lean Pockets.
    There were spilled glasses of Diet Canada Dry ginger ale strewn next to my bed that I hadn't even attempted to clean up, leaving the carpet with the same texture it would have if the Octomom's water had broken.
    I nearly jumped out of my skin when my landline rang. I had heard it ring before but was unsure who was calling or how to answer the phone. I looked at it, looked at my BlackBerry, then decided to go to the kitchen and see if the phone in there was any more user-friendly.
    I ran out of the bedroom, but in my path was a fork that I vaguely remember hearing fall from one of my plates earlier. In order to avoid stepping directly onto its tines, I maneuvered myself to land directly into the wall. I fall on a pretty regular basis, so I was able to recover quickly enough to yell, "Chelsea, what the fuck is wrong with you? Get your shit together!" Then I got up to make myself a Bloody Mary. My BlackBerry started ringing, and I could see on the screen that it was Ted calling.
    "Chunk?" I asked when he answered the phone.
    "What's wrong, Chunk?" he asked.
    "I just fell and hit my head."
    "Are you okay?"
    "Not really. I'm watching Sex and the City: The Movie !" I sobbed into the phone.
    "Oh. I'm sorry."
    "I'm so upset," I managed to get out between wails. "P-p-please t-t-t-tell me y-y-you would never leave me at the altar if we got married."
    "But you don't even want to get married," he reminded me.
    "Who?"
    "When?"
    "I said, p-promise me-e-e-e-e-e that you will never humiliate me in public, and you'll n-n-n-ever do anything that will make me break up with you."
    "I would never do that to you. You'll probably do it to me, but I would never do it to you."
    "That's sweet, Chunk. Thank you. I have to go now."
    "Honey, maybe you should get up and go for a run or go out. You sound awful. You can't just watch movies all day. Is it nice out?"
    "No. There are forty-mile-an-hour winds and it's hailing, Ted."
    "Well, it can't be hailing. "
    "You don't know what's going on here. This isn't some walk in the park like Hawaii, okay? I am deep in the trenches of Southern California."
    "Okay, well, why don't you call Hannah or Sarah and go see one of your girlfriends. Are you getting any writing done?"
    "I have to go," I said. "I need to learn how to answer the phone."
    "You just have to push 'talk.' We've been through this several times. You know this. The whole point of you not coming to Hawaii was so that you would write your book. Please get some work done."
    "No, the whole point of you going to Hawaii without me was that you were being so irrational about buying the dolphin."
    He groaned. "Enough already. We cannot get a dolphin. I have looked into it, and a single-family house is not big enough to have a dolphin. You were on the