the light into Carl's body, to slather it over him like butter on bread. I needed it to soak into him, to infuse every cell and molecule. I watched the wiggling lights burrow into him, making him shine from the inside, filling him with life. Long seconds ticked by. My heart pounded, hammering against my chest. Sweat trickled uncomfortably down my face, down my sides and the small of my back. Pain flared in my jaw and I had to consciously make myself unclench my teeth.
A strained noise escaped from my chest, but I braced myself, pouring as much as I could into Carl. My vision went cloudy again, the distantly ringing bells loud in my ear. I had the sudden understanding that someone stood behind me, right the fuck behind me, reaching for me, and I started to turn but right then Carl's mouth creaked open and he expelled into my face breath so foul that it almost knocked me backwards.
Dana made a yelping noise, and I heard Leo calming her, his voice soothing and low. Carl's skinny chest lifted as he sucked in a ragged breath, and as I watched his skin rippled and loosened, his clawed hands flexed. His sunken eyes began to flutter and then blink, revealing milky irises that darted sharply around the room. His spindly limbs jerked and then thumped back into the piss-stained recliner. He opened his mouth and croaked.
“Oh my God! Dad!” Grappling noises came from behind me, the squeak of shoes on linoleum. Clearly I heard Leo say, “he’s not done”, his voice high with concern.
I relaxed my elbows, letting my head hang down. The pain in my head shot down my temple and into my neck, sharp and cold. My poor abused guts rolled with renewed nausea. Fixing the body was the easy part.
I took a breath and then let myself go up again, climbing to a slightly higher plane. Less light shone here and everything felt thin and fragile, but I knew instinctively that the soul I looked for would have moved past the lower planes. Maybe I wouldn't be able to find it at all. I barely understood how all of it worked: could a body survive without the soul? Or maybe the restored body would act as a beacon, calling the wayward soul home.
But as I drifted through the vast and open darkness, I felt nothing, not so much as a whisper. I didn't know what happened to the souls after they moved on from this place—whatever this place was. I just had always assumed that the souls ascended through the layers into some final destination that I hadn't ever tried to reach. Maybe I could though. Maybe I could try to go farther. Maybe I could do this and Dana's dad would be all right, and they would start getting along, and next Halloween Carl would make it to Missoula to see his grandkids dressed up like Superman or a Disney princess or whatever. Maybe if that happened, if I could see Dana smiling in relief, then maybe I would start sleeping again and stop thinking about how hot blood felt when it splattered fresh on your skin.
I concentrated, letting my awareness of the physical world fall away. All my energy centered on rising a little higher, opening myself like a rare flower to let every bit of light flood into me.
The lights diminished, slowly reducing in numbers until only a few little pinpricks remained in the endless black. I couldn't see past my own hands, could feel nothing but hazy nothingness. The overwhelming sense of peace and affection I had soaked up earlier faded now to a mild calm. Like there was nothing to fear but there was no joy either. I felt nothing. The doldrums of the soul. Was it even possible to follow a soul this high? Maybe at this point, whatever it was that had once been Carl had been swallowed up into this void, become one with the Force or something.
The numbness persisted. Vaguely, gradually, I realized that I was no longer aware of my limbs, of my body. I couldn't see myself in the increasing darkness, couldn’t tell if I was holding my hands up before my eyes. My mind insisted that I was, but I could neither see nor