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is what makes it so fun to watch.
    The movie opens with a ninja pulling off a daring assassination on a golf course, killing an entire staff of bodyguards, the mark, and his female companion. The cops show up, and the ninja proceeds to haul ass, and of course a foot chase ensues. The ninja manages to kill what seems like at least half the police force during his escape attempt before he is shot more times than Amadou Diallo.
    Christie, played by the lovely Lucinda Dickey, is a telephone pole maintenance worker slash aerobics instructor who discovers the Swiss-cheesed ninja as he’s dying. The ninja gives Christie his sword and somehow manages to send his spirit into her body. At night, the ninja wakes inside her and takes over, turning her into sword-wielding, smoke bomb–throwing killing machine who goes on a blood-soaked rampage against the cops who gunned the ninja down. One of them manages to charm Christie by having absolutely no charm (and a whole lot of body hair). She falls for him, somehow, and they begin to date. The whole time this crazy ninja-possession shit is going down, he’s the one cop you hope gets killed, but sadly he does not.
    In the final act, Sho Kosugi shows up fresh off a plane from Japan. Kosugi is the evil ninja’s nemesis (I’m assuming there is some kind of blood feud between their respective ninja clans). And apparently only a ninja can destroy another ninja. I’m not making this up.
    Ninja III: The Domination
is ninja porn at its best. Dickey is sexy and does a pretty good job kicking ass. And in the instances where she can’t, there is an obviously male stunt double to do it for her. Do yourself a favor and watch this now.
    Cyborg (1989)

    Cyborg
is a post-apocalyptic sci-fi actioner starring Jean-Claude Van Damme. It is also everything a Cannon film should be. Van Damme plays Gibson Rickenbacker, a mercenary hired by a cyborg named Pearl to escort her out of the city and back to Atlanta. Pearl is carrying a cure that she downloaded into her cybernetic brain that can save the human race.
    There’s just one problem: Fender Tremolo. Fender is a psychopath with all-white contacts who wants the cure. He’s also the leader of a gang of ruthless killers, the same who slaughtered Gibson’s family and left him for dead. The stage is set for the inevitable showdown. That’s pretty much all you need to know about the plot, because it’s all just setup for Van Damme to roundhouse kick shit in slow motion.
    The movie does have some badass moments. One of them takes place in a sewer when Van Damme holds himself up by his legs in a full splits between walls above a pirate’s head while holding a knife in his mouth. There is also a hilarious scene when the cyborg takes off her wig and exposes her cybernetic brain. The effect looks like something out of the TV show
Small Wonder
. All in all,
Cyborg
is pretty much
The Road Warrior
without the cars. The hero’s name is even Gibson. But, honestly, who needs cars when you have JCVD?
    Death Wish 3 (1983)

    For those unfamiliar with the Death Wish films, I suggest you start with
Death Wish 3
—in my opinion, the gem of the series. It’s gloriously violent and extremely over the top. Charles Bronson once again plays the trigger-happy vigilante Paul Kersey. He comes to New York City to visit an old Korean War pal, only to discover that the gang of street punks who terrorize the neighborhood have murdered him. The cops wrongly arrest Kersey for the crime and throw him in jail. There he unknowingly clashes with the leader of the street punks, Manny Fraker, played with lunatic zeal by Gavin O’Herlihy.
    The police captain knows that Kersey is innocent, but he also knows about Kersey’s penchant for blowing away bad guys with a big gun. Tired of seeing his men killed in the streets, the captain makes a deal with Kersey, allowing him to go free as long as he murders the gang of street punks. Kersey agrees, because, well, he loves to kill him some