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my fantasies that maybe something beautiful could bloom from within this very horrible situation I was trapped in.
    It was this Calix that made me think - I’d never been more wrong - never been more foolish. In the snare of a monster, nothing is beautiful.
    Calix stared down into my face for long moments as I fought to keep my tears restrained. Then finally, he lifted himself from my body. I could see from my peripheral vision that he was still painfully hard, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t understand how he could maintain arousal after words as cruel as his. I knew I certainly wasn’t aroused. I’d dried up like a lake in the desert.
    Sitting up on the towel, I caught the pool wrap Calix tossed down at me. “Put this on. We’re going back to my room.”
    I nodded, but I didn’t speak. My heart felt as though it were being slaughtered with agonizing and slow precision in my chest. I hated how easy it was for him to cause me pain. It was the ease that he found in looking into my tears that solidified the assumption that he could never love me - and I was wasting my time trying to make him.
    I felt hopeless. But despite the absence of hope I felt, I couldn’t simply accept his inability to love me as fact when that was the only thing I had left to hope for. It had only been one night. Every road I had ever travelled had its bumps - maybe this night was just a bump in our road. I had to believe, for my sanity, that this was only a bump or maybe a hill, and that we would make it safely over.
    When I’d dressed in my wrap, I picked up my still soaked swimsuit from the dock before turning to the house. I walked with Calix following close behind. I took this time to allow my tears to fall, when he couldn’t see my face. As discreetly as I could, I wiped away my tears and steadied my breath as we came to the back door. Calix opened the door to let us inside and I instantly began walking, or running, to the safety of his bedroom. Calix followed behind me without saying a word.
    When we were finally standing in his bedroom, Calix moved to turn on the fireplace. The room glowed with the amber light, casting flickering shadows over the walls. I didn’t know why I’d been in such a hurry to arrive in this room - I wasn’t any safer from Calix here than I had been outside this room. I don’t know why I’d thought I would be safer? Maybe it was because I knew this room - every corner - every dent in the wall. This room had been both my hell and my sanctuary - somehow I’d bonded with it.
    “Can I take a shower?” I whispered my question, focusing my eyes on the floor.
    “Yes.” Calix said stiffly.
    I didn’t look up at him as I passed him on my way to the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Once there, I wasted no time in turning on the water - as hot as I could handle it - before stripping from my clothing.
    Stepping beneath the fall of water, I breathed in the steam as the water droplets burned my skin, stinging upon touch. I don’t know why I’d turned the water on so hot - but in the back of my mind, I suspected that I really was trying to wash him from my body. I knew I never could succeed in such a feat - but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t try.
    Washing my hair and body with numb fingers, I let myself cry. I cried so hard, a few audible sobs escaped from between my lips before I realized I’d even made a sound. Biting down on my lip, I lowered myself to the floor of the shower. And I cried there too. I felt so broken - so terribly worthless, and unwanted, and confused, and hurt, that crying was all I could do. I knew I was picking on myself, but hell, I’d started so I may as well continue.
    My back felt raw from the sting of the water, but the pain felt good. Never in my life did I ever think I would have such an odd thought - that pain might actually feel good . Pain and good didn’t make sense - the two words weren’t often thought of together. Pain had always intimidated me to a point of terror,