Read Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir for Free Online Page A

last thing I need is some asshole pointing out how I’m different from the rest of them. Don’t you realize that the animals separated from the herd die? DO YOU WANT ME TO DIE??”
    “WATCH THE MOUTH, missy. I understand you’re upset. What I don’t understand is why Shelly would draw a cartoon about you. She’s your best friend.”
    “Well, yes, she was, but not anymore.”
    “Since when?”
    “A while, OK?”
    Todd interjected, “Hey, Mom, better get Dad’s attorney on the phone to talk about suing the school paper for libel.”
    “MOM!”
    “Now you’re both being ridiculous. Todd, pipe down. What happened with Shelly?”
    “It was all her fault.”
    “Jennifer, what did you do?” Why did she always assume it was my fault? 22
    “She was jealous.”
    “Of what?”
    “Nothing.”
    “I think there’s more to the story,” Todd volunteered helpfully from the other room.
    “Shut UP, Toad. OK, remember when you had to go back to Boston to help Grampa after his surgery? Well, I kind of wore your pearls while you were out of town.”
    “I do not recall giving you permission to wear them.”
    “I was allowed to because Dad saw them on me and didn’t say I couldn’t.”
    “Not an excuse. Your father is oblivious. He didn’t notice for three weeks when we painted the den. But why would my necklace upset Shelly?”
    “I might have mentioned they were real pearls. From Hudsons.”
    “So?”
    “About fifteen times.”
    My mother sighed deeply. “Where did we go wrong with you? You didn’t learn this behavior from me. When I was your age, I never had new clothes. All I had were the items my sisters handed down to me. The only reason I dressed as nicely as I did was because I taught myself to sew and—”
    “Is this where you tell us how you only had one pair of wool socks when you were a girl and you had to hand wash them every night?” I whined. 23
    “I can’t believe she has any friends the way she acts,” my brother added. Why couldn’t I have been born an only child?
    “Shove it, frat boy. Mom, do you see the problem I have? Shelly just threw down the gauntlet, OK? She issued a challenge. If she’s going to label me in a public forum, then I have to be the preppiest preppy to ever walk the halls of my high school. Now that I’ve been singled out, I’m obligated to deliver. People are going to expect it. I didn’t start this feud, but I’ll be damned if I don’t finish it. So, I’m going to need a LOT of new stuff for back to school. Why don’t you get Dad’s credit card and we can start shopping now. You know, beat the rush and all.”
    “Ha! Good one, Jen.”
    “You’re not going to help me? Why? Because of your boring sock story?”
    “You get $100 for back-to-school clothes, and you know it, and that amount will decrease if you don’t watch it with the cusses. If you want more than I plan to pay for, then I suggest you get a job.”
    “How am I supposed to do that? I can’t drive yet, and there’s no place to work in this stupid subdivision.”
    “When I was your age, I made money for fabric by watching my sister’s children. This neighborhood is full of kids—why don’t you give babysitting a try?”
    “But I hate kids.”
    “Yet you love money.”
    “You make an excellent point.”
    Why had I never considered babysitting before? Our neighborhood was crawling with little kids…. It was a veritable gold mine! I quickly ran figures in my head—if I could earn fifty dollars a week for the next ten weeks of summer, then—holy cats!—I’d be the best-dressed girl in the whole TOWN. Visions of pink oxford cloth and tartan plaid danced in my head. With five hundred dollars, I’d get tassel AND penny loafers, puffy velvet headbands, whale-print mini-skirts, and a Bermuda bag to match every outfit!
    “Do you think if I typed up a flyer Dad’s secretary could make copies? That way I could pass them out to neighbors.”
    “I’m sure she would if you asked