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water and sit on the toilet seat, listening to him snore.
    I stand up again and get my purse and come back to the bathroom.
    So, I’m out here alone.
    I light a cigarette. I ash into the sink and look at the time. It’s four thirty. The last thing I ate was a handful of almonds at eight o’clock, followed by two cups of coffee and a Red Bull.
    I walk to the mini fridge and open it. Coca Cola. Diet Coke. Minute Maid Cranberry. Sprite. Barq’s. Seagram’s Ginger Ale.
    John’s snoring has become an oppressive presence.
    I slam the bathroom door.
    I blow smoke into the sink.
    I turn on the shower as hot as it will go and undress in front of the mirror. I hear John’s snoring above the rush of the water and imagine his tongue falling into the back of his throat.
    The tops of my thighs almost touch. My lower stomach extends past my hipbones. My upper arms look flabby. I can’t see my chest bones without pushing my shoulders forward. My collarbone looks okay but my breasts sag.
    I turn.
    My ass should have its own atmosphere.
    I stand on my toes. My shoulders are too wide when they’re seen from the back.
    I turn to the side and suck in my stomach. I hold my breath.
    I shouldn’t have to do that. This is how I should look all the time without trying. I exhale. I watch my stomach expand.
    I touch my hipbones and feel the hollow inside them and face the mirror.
    I am so, so wide.
    I’m fucking huge.
    I grab the backs of my thighs and pull them apart, making a space between them.
    This is how I want to look.
    This is how I’m going to look.
    This is 85 pounds or I’m fucking dead.
    The mirror is getting foggy. I climb into the shower without feeling the water. It burns and my skin grows red instantly.I hold my face beneath the full force of the pressure. I can’t breathe. I lie down and close my eyes.
    I hate you, John.
    I stay there until I can’t feel the heat anymore and a calm overtakes me. I breathe.
    I turn the water off and stare at the ceiling.
    He’s still snoring.
    I wait until the air gets cold.
    Belief is brittle. My skin is dry and brittle and cracks. I am always bleeding, especially from the fingers. I do not believe that John loves me. There.
    I believe that John used to love me.
    I do without my body: I am you, I am me, I am you, I am me: I always end with you.
    Do you remember what happened last night?
    I don’t.
    The question is what do I want in my center? The question is What Do I Want? I blow smoke into myself.
    Do I want anything without John?
    I know what I don’t want. I know some of what I don’t want. I don’t want to be heavy. I don’t want to be a burden.
    If I believe in anything: lightness.
    I once thought you were a neutron star.
    I thought I was a neutron star.
    I could never be a neutron star.
    There is not enough of me to be a neutron star.
    A white dwarf is the final state of a star whose mass is too small to be a neutron star.
    We’re confusing terms.
    A white dwarf no longer uses fusion.
    It is held together by degeneracy pressure.
    Extreme pressure.
    This is the only thing supporting it against collapse.
    This is also the only thing that keeps it from exploding.
    A white dwarf depends only on density. A white dwarf isn’t burning.
    It isn’t doing anything productive.
    It doesn’t matter that I’m not burning anymore. I haven’t burned for a long time.
    I approach my natural state of being. Cold is my natural state of being.
    I grow dimmer every day.
    Lightness very much depends on will. I have basically starved myself of will. Of want. Of whether and what I believe.
    In happiness?
    In being better?
    Better.
    I was born without will. I was born with certain beliefs.
    In sacrifice. Humility.
    I am mostly devoid of feelings on purpose.
    Feeling is fleshy. Don’t touch me.
    If you touch me, you have to hurt me. I don’t want you to be afraid.
    What matters now that isn’t?
    You used to paint. Now, when you paint, it is shapes overlaying each other. Transparency. Reds,