think straight.
The air between us was an amalgamation of
his scent, my perfume and sex—us.
“ I know you heard me tell
you I love you, Kamari.”
My nod was slow. “I did.”
“ Are you planning to tell
me how your feeling?”
Yes. No. “Confused. Not sure if it really
matters.”
Closing the small space, he placed his hands
against the door, blocking me in. “Oh, hell yeah, it matters.”
“ Why?” The single word
came out low and shaky. There was a bubble of fear inside of me at
his words. What could a man who knew all my secrets and just saw me
at my lowest, sneaking into a man’s room to seduce him, say? What
would he reveal about me that I didn’t want to hear? “Whatever is
happening between us, if we face it and it goes wrong, we can’t go
back. Let’s move on,” rushed out.
“ I’ve tried to move on,
Kamari.”
“ What are you talking
about?” Now I was even more bewildered.
His gaze held mine for a moment then he
stepped away, shoving both his hands into his hair as he stared up
at the ceiling.
He appeared as a man who struggled with
something internally.
That foreboding feeling pressed down on me
again.
Exhaling loudly, he dropped his hands and
faced me. “How long have we known each other, Kamari?”
“ I don’t know. Maybe
fourteen years.”
“ In that time, you’ve
never noticed anything between us?”
I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt. I
wasn’t sure how to answer him. Tonight I realized all the things
about him I’d noticed, things I’d used to keep him at a
distance.
“ While you’re thinking
I’ll tell you this,” he began. “The first day I met you, at your
house you were in the backyard with your girlfriends practicing
cheerleading routines. You were wearing these tiny shorts. All I
kept thinking about is how long your legs were. Then you turned
around and stuck you tongue out at your brother; completely ignored
me. In that moment I wanted to kiss you—capture your tongue in my
mouth.” He reached out and traced my lips.
“ Why didn’t you ever say
anything to me?”
He laughed and lowered his hand away from
me, slowly. “Kamari, we both know how you would have reacted if I
said anything to you. Hell, in high school I knew I wasn’t prime
male meat.”
I smiled. “You were geeky, but you had the
bluest eyes and the times that we touched accidentally I was
impressed at how soft, yet strong, your hands were.”
“ You noticed things about
me?” He looked shocked, his gaze searched mine as if attempting to
see if it was the truth.
“ Yeah. Even when I didn’t
want to. There were times after high school…college…since
then.”
“ That week spent together,
practically alone on campus and in that college town, I wanted to
tell you then. But, things were going so well between us, I didn’t
want to jeopardize it.”
“ You called me three times
in the next two weeks.” I said that to him, as much as to
myself.
“ All with the purpose of
telling you I’d fallen for you. That I’d been in love with you for
years.”
“ But you
didn’t.”
“ I didn’t. Maybe I was
waiting for some sign from you.” He shrugged. “You’d always end the
call first and say ‘thanks again for your help…I’m good now’. I got
the message. Stop calling.”
It was my turn to reveal another bit of
honesty. “I think, no, I know, all these years I’ve worked hard at
keeping you at a distance. You were right. You were there every
time I needed you… that scared me.”
“ What did?” he was close
to me again, boxing me in. Those blue eyes were staring down at
me—expectantly.
“ How much I needed
you.”
“ To figure things out?” he
asked.
“ No…” I reached out and
laid my hand on his chest. “To balance me out. My life. Tonight I
can finally see you have been my anchor. Even as I was foolishly
running from myself, you still kept me grounded. I think that is
why I would give you so much of my anger, because you would always
look at