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modeling here and there. Still none of that mattered. For five years I felt like something was missing. I lost a piece of my soul and it was out there somewhere roaming around without me.
    I wasn’t going back home nearly as much as I or my family would have liked, because I felt ashamed of what I had done. Anyone of my family members would have read it on me and called me on it. All I had was a picture on my phone to comfort and taunt me. I made sure it was uploaded to my phone every time I upgraded. I had it printed out and blown up. I did things with that picture that made me look like a stalker or a whipped pussy, as Troy called me until he got traded off my team the year after I met my little lawyer.
    But it was all because I knew I fell in love with her at first sight. She owned me the moment I laid eyes on her. I did go looking for her once. It was a few months after that night. I rented a car once I got to New York and drove to her place. I’d gotten the address from the car service that drove us to her place that night.
    When I got there, there was a for sale sign up and they were having an open house. She lived in a really nice neighborhood. I entered the house to find the real estate agent and an older man who looked annoyed. One look at the man and I knew he was related to my little lawyer. It was in the bow of his lips the way he wrinkled his nose and the almond shape of his eyes.
    He had to be her father or uncle or something. He already looked pissed off so I didn’t think walking up to him to say. “Excuse me, I think I slept with your daughter or maybe your niece a few months back. And well I don’t know her name, but I think I love her and I want to find her,” was going to work. So I did the next best thing.
    I took the tour of the open house with the realtor and feigned interest looking around for clues of why she was moving or at least where to. I came up with nothing and felt sick to my stomach when I left. I didn’t think I knew enough about her to hire professional help and I didn’t know how to explain it without being embarrassed.
    So for five years I have just managed to exist. I tried a long term relationship thinking that would help. Tiffany was a nice girl she just wasn’t her . I hated the way she laughed and she pushed too much. Wanting to meet my family, wanting to move into my place, wanting to be on my arm when I had to show up at events; I guess for a girlfriend all that wasn’t a lot to ask. Six months passed and I wasn’t in love with her. I was barely tolerating her.
    I hated how she would show up at my place and leave things around trying to mark her territory. I’d find strands of her bleached blonde hair in my sink after I cleaned the sink out. Her underclothes would be in random places and my housekeeper would find them. I just had to end things and that was true for so many things. I wanted out. So as soon as an offer came my way to go home and play in Texas I jumped on it.
    I shocked everyone. My GM didn’t see it coming, my coach didn’t have a clue, and even my agent was stunned that I wanted to take the offer and leave. I just needed to go home, find myself, and be with my family. I needed to be surrounded by people that really care about me.
    It feels good to be in my parents’ home surrounded by laughter and home cooking. I see my dad relaxing and enjoying just kicking back and not worrying about the ranch or drilling sites for once. That is my cousin’s responsibility now. My parents bought a great place with plenty of space for them and the grandkids.
    I love my nieces and nephews. Watching my brother and sister with their families makes me wonder if I’m missing something. I watched the guys on the team that would rush home from games to be with their kids, especially on holidays. At twenty-eight I want more and I see how happy it makes my parents to have a full house.
    “I am so happy you are home honey,” my mother coos as she enters the kitchen. I have