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you?” I said.
    “My parents are gone for the night. Now shut up so I can read my Bible.” She rolled her eyes and fingered through her Bible, flipping pages but not reading anything.
    “You don’t even care about God, you just pretend to!” JoJo said with an accusatory finger pointing at her.
    “God hates you and He loves me! You’re just jealous,” she said.
    “You don’t even go to church! Wait, I take that back, you’re a Chreaster!” I bounced back like a crazed girl on Jerry Springer . (“Chreaster” is the term Catholics made up to call other Catholics who go to church only on Christmas and Easter.)
    “That’s because we’re so holy we don’t need to go to Mass every Sunday like you sinners,” she snarked back.
    “You are so jealous of my relationship with Jesus!” I said defensively.
    “God, you guys are dumb,” Lynette said, rolling her eyes.
    “You guys are just bitter because you’re so poor and your house is disgusting,” Mallory said, flipping her hair.
    I wanted to punch her in her face, but Mom came back in with snacks to feed the bitch.
    It was a defining moment for me to realize that people could fake being religious. How could an atheist like George be a kinder, more respectful person than our “Catholic” neighbor?
    It became obvious to me that even the holiest of households could have family members who were faux Bible-thumpers. Even at this young age, I thought that being a good person was the most important thing. It was all about motive. I wanted to find my happy place in the world. And I had a lot of motivation to drive me there.

8
Jesus’s Baby Mama
    I was twelve. Sister Betty says, “So, children, today we are talking about how Mother Mary got pregnant without having sex.”
    My mouth hit the floor so hard I was sure I broke it. I raised my hand.
    “What now, Jenny?”
    “What are you talking about? How can someone get pregnant without having sex?”
    “Mary was born without sin. That’s what the Immaculate Conception means. Mary was told by angels that she was going to be carrying God’s son. Then she became pregnant.”
    “That doesn’t make any sense. She had to have sex with someone,” I shouted.
    “It’s a miracle,” she replied.
    “So can this miracle happen to me? Can I get accidentally pregnant right now?”
    “No.”
    “Why not?”
    “Because you were born with sin.”
    “Why was I born with sin?”
    “Because Eve was tempted by Satan and then made Adam take a bite of an apple so we now have sin.”
    “Wait a minute. You are saying that we are all born sinners because Adam and Eve were hungry and ate an apple?”
    “Well, they were supposed to be strong and not be tempted, but they chose to disobey God and became sinners.”
    “That stinks. Why aren’t we angrier at Adam and Eve?”
    “Well, Jenny, Adam and Eve is more of a myth …”
    “What?!”
    “We don’t really know who the first human being was. We use that story as an example of how and why we are born with sin.”
    “Whoa whoa whoa,” I replied. “Again with the fake story. So I think what you are trying to say is that the Bible is a fictional book.”
    “No, that’s not what I’m saying. There are many true stories that Jesus’s disciples wrote down and put in the New Testament.”
    I replied, “Yes, but last week you said most of those stories were not written down until one hundred years later. How can they even get anything right?”
    “You have to have faith, Jenny.”
    “I’m starting to think that word means trust someone else’s beliefs.”
    “Do you believe in God, Jenny?” she asked.
    “Well, duh, yeah.”
    “How do you know He exists?”
    “Because you told me I had to believe it,” I said with the utmost honesty.
    “But we have never shown you proof that He exists, so what makes you continue to believe that we are right?”
    “Well, you scared me into thinking I will burn in a pit of flames for all eternity, so I’m pretty sure I’ll just