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monitoring would be easier that way, less travel time. My results would be sent back to the city clinic, which would remain my “operational headquarters.” I did have a favorite nurse at the local clinic. Rebecca. Scottish, with pale blond hair, pale skin, soft and pillowy. She was the most adept with the needle. I learned to ask on arrival at reception if she was working that day, as a strong hint I would like to see her. Also, this was awkward, there was a nurse who had twice massacred my arm and by asking after Rebecca I hoped to avoid her. Rebecca was so kind; Gerasima to my Ivana Ilyich. What grace—to take blood from all these women every morning, day in and day out, to know of the great unspoken hope and misery, the high stakes, to greet each patient with a gentle smile and no judgment.
    At my orientation session, reorientation session, a city nurse talked me through the three types of needle I’d need to use in the course of the egg collection. She demonstrated on a little patch of fake skin: a square of foam covered in plastic the color of milky tea. I had a few practice jabs myself. Before leaving I was reminded that counseling was available anytime I wanted.
    On Day 2 of my period I had my blood tested for FSH, progesterone, and estrogen. That afternoon I got the call from the nurses that my hormone levels were good and that I could start with one injection of 200 IU of Gonal-f in the evening, a moderate dose because this was the first time and the doctor needed to gauge how my body responded. Gonal-f is an artificial hormone, made from recombinant DNA, structurally identical to human follicle stimulating hormone. Scientists tested its efficacy on female rats. Common side effects include headache, ovarian cysts, nausea, upper respiratory tract infections, mastalgia, abdominal pain, diarrhea, vomiting, dizziness, sinus infections, vaginal bleeding, fatigue, back pain, and mood swings. In addition, serious pulmonary conditions have been reported, such as acute respiratory distress syndrome. Rare cases involving blood clots have resulted in death. The basic principlewas that by injecting myself with an unnaturally high amount of this hormone I would stimulate my ovaries to overproduce eggs. Usually each month the body naturally releases one mature egg (on rare occasions, two). At age 42, with stimulation, best case was releasing something in the realm of ten to fifteen eggs. The balancing act was to produce as many eggs as possible without causing ovarian hyperstimulation.
    The advice was to do injections at around the same time each night so I chose 10 p.m. because that way I wouldn’t have to cancel too many evening engagements. Even then, I did have to duck out of dinners early, make excuses. Thankfully, the Gonal-f injection wasn’t too bad. Because it didn’t involve piercing the vein, taking blood from veins, I convinced myself I could manage it. The delivery mechanism was efficient. I swabbed myself with disinfectant, dialed up the amount of hormone on a pen, unwrapped a needle tip from its packaging and screwed it into the pen, then picked a spot on my belly, about two inches below the belly button, either to the right side or the left. I laid everything out before me as if I were a surgeon about to undertake a major operation. There was a moment when I had to overcome an instinctive aversion to injectingmyself, a bit like the moment I face every time I get into the swimming pool. I love to swim, but each immersion requires overcoming an aversion to the affront of cold water. Deep exhale: inject. Hold for ten seconds. Breathe and count. Carefully release. Unscrew needle tip and put in a sharps container. Pack it all away and put back in the fridge, next to the butter and the lettuce. Most times the injection passed without incident. I did jab myself once when careless, also I panicked that I’d screwed the needle tip in too tight and that I’d break the glass vial trying