Read Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me? for Free Online Page B

“mmmmmmmmm naiiice” and making lip-smacking noises.
    I shouted downstairs.
    “Hello, my sister, Libby, also your daughter, is snogging a potato in my bed. What are you going to do about it?”
    Dad started yelling uncontrollably. I wonder if he is having the male menopause? If he starts growing breasts, I will definitely be running away with the circus. Although to be fair, he would have a better chance of getting a job with them.
    I could hear him going on.
    “Connie, have you been using my bloody razors again? I’ve nearly cut my chin off.”
    Ah well, time for bobos.
    I went back into my room and shut the door.
    Libby is now doing a sort of smoochy dance with Mr. Potato Head. It involves a lot of botty-wiggling.
    What do they teach her at playschool? WhenI was little, we used to do face painting and so on. Our tiny faces covered with little flowers and hearts. Libby wrote BUM on Josh’s face in indelible marker.
    I said to Bibs, “Don’t you want to take Mr. Potato Head into your nice bed? In your own room. In your own lovely, snugly…”
    She put her face really near mine and said, “Shhhhhhhhh.”
    midnight
    I had to read Heidi to Libby and Mr. Potato Head. She never tires of tales of cheese. I do.
    The bit that makes her laugh the most is when the little crippled girl falls out of her wheelchair.
    It’s not right.

suddenly he got his maracas out
    wednesday september 21st
    assembly
    9:00 a.m.
    Oh, hurrah! We are having an “ad hoc” assembly. No proper hymns that we can improvise hilarious lyrics to. No “Breathe on me BREAST of God” or “There are some green PANTS far away without a city wall…”
    Hang on a minute, though, things are looking up. Onto the stage came Herr Kamyer in a check shirt and a cowboy hat. With a guitar. And he is accompanied by Miss Wilson on ukulele.
    I said to Rosie, “I didn’t even know she could play the ukulele.”
    two minutes later
    She can’t.
    This is torture. I don’t know if you have ever heard the country and western version of “AllThings Bright and Beautiful,” but I thoroughly don’t recommend it.
    I said to Rosie, “Quickly, leap onstage and grab Herr Kamyer’s guitar and kill him with it.”
    She said, “Righty-o,” and started moving along the line. When she got to ADM on guard duty, she said to her, “Women’s trouble,” and skipped off to the loos.
    Damn.
    Fifty-five million years later we were set free. Well, free if you think double maths is freedom. Which it isn’t.
    maths
    Oh, shut up about numbers, why don’t you?
    lunch
    Behind the fives court. Right, this was my chance to introduce the question of sophisticosity into the whole boynosity area.
    I began, “I’d like to open this meeting of the ace gang…”
    They were all looking at me attentively. Well, if you call people chewing and fiddling with their fringes and being fools attentive.
    I went on, “I have called this meeting of the ace gang…”
    Jools said, “One for all and all for one and one in all for one of us and so on?”
    I said, “Yes, well, shall we get on?”
    Ellen said, “Shall we do the group hug?”
    I said, “I think we can take the group hug as done.”
    Mabs said, “I really like the group hug.”
    Oh dear Gott in Himmel .
    four minutes later
    The group hug practically turned into a love-in. Rosie would not let me go. She knows it annoys me so she keeps doing it.
    Eventually, though, I beat her off and started again.
    “The thing, the serious thing I want to discuss is…”
    Rosie said, “My Viking wedding?”
    “Well, no, I…”
    But it was too late. She had her beard out.
    afternoon break
    I will try again.
    Mr. Attwood wheeled past us, tutting. Tut away, lunatic man.
    two minutes later
    We watched while he got stuck trying to get up the ramp into the science block. Unfortunately, the Titches were passing and he harassed them into pushing him up the ramp. While they were huffing and puffing, he actually opened a sandwich and started eating it.
    I