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on the brakes just in time to avoid careering into a procession of cows.
    ‘Jack, will you for God’s sake please come to terms with the fact that we are in the country.’
    She was slightly abashed. ‘Oh, all right, then. Perhaps I’ve been living too urban a life of late. Very well, I’ll surrender to the rhythm of the Celtic twilight.’
    They crawled along behind the cows at one mile an hour. A relapse by the baroness into exhortations and impatience brought her to within a foot of the nearest cow, who repaid her by stopping suddenly, lifting her tail and depositing a messy substance on the bonnet. ‘Serves you right, Jack. Now we’re going to pong all the way to the castle.’
    This episode had restored her to complete good humour. ‘Good old girl. I’d have done the same in her place. Besides I like the smell of cow dung. It’s natural.’
    As the cows turned right, their guardian appeared and stood by the window, which she wound down. ‘Good evening.’
    ‘How are you, missus? And isn’t it a grand evening entirely?’
    ‘Indeed it is. And that’s a fine herd you have there.’
    ‘Ah they’re not the worst. And I see one of them has given you a little welcoming present. Sure, she must have taken a fancy to you. And why wouldn’t she?’
    ‘I feel very honoured,’ she said solemnly.
    ‘And where might ye be off to? Ye’re not from around here. Ye’ll be from London, I expect.’
    ‘More or less. We’re off to Moycoole Castle.’
    ‘Oh, is that right? Taking the son on holiday, are you? Or is he taking the mammy?’
    ‘That’s not my son, my good man. He’s my lover.’ The ancient gazed with interest at Amiss, who managed to keep his expression impassive as he stared straight ahead of him.
    ‘Is that right now? Well, now sure, I shouldn’t be surprised. Aren’t you the fine figure of a woman and aren’t they up to everything in London? Not that they aren’t up to it here too mind you. I could tell you a tale or two. Still, I’d better be getting the cows milked. Now I’ll be saying good evening to ye and God bless. I hope ye enjoy yeerselves at the castle.’
    Out of the corner of his eye Amiss saw the baroness directing a broad wink at the cattle driver. ‘We will indeed,’ she said roguishly. ‘It’s not often we get away for a romantic weekend.’
    ‘Ah now, sure, wasn’t a lady like yourself made for romance. I’d say it’ll be a weekend to remember.’ And with an attempt at a bow, he set off after his cattle.
    ‘You two should be off for the romantic weekend,’ said Amiss. ‘A match made in heaven if you ask me. A pair of ham actors delivering themselves of unparalleled bullshit.’
    ‘When in Rome…’ She cackled happily as she put the car into gear.
    ***
    The wind had risen and heavy rain began to fall by the time they reached a signpost saying ‘Moycoole Castle, 1 km.’
    ‘Now, I know you’re a complete philistine, but you’re to pay attention to this. And it’s good that you’ll be seeing it in proper Mayo weather. That sunshine was an aberration.
    ‘What we’re about to see is one of the finest examples of Norman castle-building in the two islands. Can’t say that I approve of such places being made into hotels, but I’ve been assured the whole effect is dazzling. Ah, here we are.’
    She turned into a broad driveway, which after a few hundred yards opened out into a wide paved area. She braked and they surveyed Moycoole Castle in all its spotlit glory.
    ‘Jesus Christ,’ she said. ‘The barbarians have taken over.’
    Amiss contemplated the pink monstrosity that confronted them.
    ‘Charming, Jack. Utterly charming. Your taste is impeccable. I particularly like the wings. What an interesting mixture of styles.’
    ‘Vandals! Vandals!’
    ‘You feel it’s a bit ersatz?’
    ‘Ersatz? Ersatz? This isn’t ersatz. This is pure fucking desecration. They’ve stuccoed the castle and built on what look like Texan ranches.’
    ‘Thatched Texan