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cigarette. Twenty minutes later we’d arranged a date.
    Impressed? So you bloody should be. Want to know the secret of my success? Okay. For those of you out there who can’t get a guy to eat out of your hand, take the following as an instruction manual.
    Jason: Hi! How you doin’?
    Calma: Good. How are you? (
Gorgeous, mouth-watering sex-on-a-stick, that’s how you are.
)
    Jason: Great. I’m Jason, by the way.
    Calma: (
I know. Trust me, I know.
) Pleased to meet you, Jason. I’m Calma. (
Don’t make any jokes. Please. Don’t be the worst of all possible worlds—a sex-on-a-stick dickhead.
)
    Jason: This your first evening at work?
    Calma: Yes. (
Do you have a girlfriend? If you’ve got a girlfriend, I’m enrolling in the nearest nunnery first thing in the morning.
) Do I detect an English accent, Jason? (
Or am I losing control of all my faculties in your presence?
)
    Jason: Yeah. Guilty as charged.
    Calma: Don’t worry. We’ll let you off, provided you commit no further offenses in the next twelve months. (
Too early to risk a joke?
) Are you in Australia permanently, Jason, or on holiday? (
Because if you want to stay, we could drive into town, get married, and start a family immediately.
)
    Jason: My parents moved to Australia twelve months ago, just after I finished my A levels in England. I’m having a year off before I go to university here. I guess that means we’re staying.
    Calma: Great! (
Why did I say that? Does it smack of over-enthusiasm?
) Do you miss England? (
Do you have a girlfriend you spend all your time writing to?
)
    Jason: Football, mainly. What you call soccer.
    Calma: Really? I love soccer. (
Never seen it—is that the one with the round ball?
) What team do you support? (
Like I care. Just keep him talking.
)
    Jason: Liverpool.
    Calma: They’re great. Fantastic team. (
Who?
)
    Jason: You reckon they’ve got their tactics sorted?
    Calma: Absolutely. (
“Sorted”! Whaaat?
) Really talented. Classy players, every one. (
You could be getting in deep crap here, Calma.
)
    Jason: Well, not all of them. Obviously, when the team’s on song, you won’t find a sharper forward line or a more solid midfield anywhere in the Premiership. It’s consistency, though. Too many players drifting in and out of games, not backtracking enough when opponents hit us on the break. And that’s another thing. We get exposed by pace on the wings. It’s all very well having a solid central defense, but if they’re drawn by the overlap, you’re always going to be stretched out of shape, particularly with a sweeper system, rather than the conventional four-two-four. As for zonal marking—well, it’s a load of bollocks. We need to get back to man-to-man.
    Calma: I couldn’t agree more! (
I couldn’t understand less.
)
    Jason: We seem to have forgotten Bill Shankly’s immortal words: “Football isn’t a matter of life and death—it’s more important than that.”
    Calma: Perhaps we could discuss this further on a date? (
Who could forget old Bill…oh, shit!
)
    Jason: A date?
    Calma: Er…yeah. Why not? How about Friday? (
Where’s a bolt of lightning when you need it? Or a large hole in the ground?
)
    Jason: Friday? Yeah…okay.
     
    That’s the point at which you exchange phone numbers. Got it? It works every time. I swear.
    From: Miss Moss
    To: Calma Harrison
    Subject: Iambic tetrameter
----
    Calma,
    Let’s start with basic rhythm and rhyme. Use iambic tetrameter (four beats to the line, remember) and a straightforward
abba
rhyme scheme. The key is to use enjambment (run-on lines) to avoid rhythmical monotony. For this first exercise, I’ll let you choose the subject matter.
    Have fun!
Miss Moss
    Song for Vanessa
----
    I used to walk in crowds alone
    And though I spoke and slept and ate
    To mimic life, to ease the weight
    Of grief, it failed. I was a phone
     
    That can’t connect, a hollow shell.
    The world flowed by me while I stood
    And