soon enough.” She seemed to catch herself right after she spoke, looking over at Sara and then to me.
I’m sure Sara caught it; I saw a little ripple of pain wash over her.
“I wonder if Matt will be okay without a roommate,” Sara said.
“He’ll get used to it,” I said. “We’ll all get used to it.”
“He asked me to move his stuff out,” Graham said from his corner. “I don’t think he wants to stay in here by himself.”
“That’s convenient,” I said, not really thinking about what I was saying.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything. I just don’t get all of the rushing around.”
“He doesn’t want to stay in this room,” Lisa said. “Seems like a simple concept to me.”
I shook my head. “Whatever... just pack Matt’s shit up, then.”
“That’s what I’m planning on doing,” Graham said. He sounded like a whiny little bitch.
“Then just fucking do it.”
I looked over to Sara, expecting one of her glares of disapproval, but she hadn’t been listening. She was standing by Ant’s bed, still gripping the red hoodie; she’d long stopped trying to fold it.
I started to sigh, but stopped once I realized it. I’d known this cleanup operation was a bad idea. Now Sara was falling back into it again. I heard her sniff a little before she started crying.
I wanted to pull her over to me. I wanted to comfort her. But she can’t keep doing this in front of everyone. She needs to be stronger than that.
“I’m going to check for some more boxes,” I said.
I left the room as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to risk getting sucked into that mood.
Someone has to hold us together. Someone has to move us along.
For some reason it always has to be me.
I found Matt and Lisa arguing by the wiring trench behind the cottage.
Well, there was no trench yet, actually, since they hadn’t started digging it. They’d been out there for over an hour, and it looked clear to me that nothing had been done.
There was little worry we’d have the solar plant set up anytime soon.
“You’ll settle this, Baptiste,” Lisa said as I came over. “Matt wants to dig the whole trench by hand.”
“By shovel,” Matt said. “I’m not an idiot.”
“I have trouble believing that you’re in favour of more work,” I told him.
“Well, we can’t afford the fuel for the bobcat.”
“But we’re doing this to get more power,” Lisa said. “That’s the big priority, isn’t it?”
I wanted to take her side. I really, really want to. But I couldn’t.
“I think Matt’s right,” I said. “We’re almost out of diesel, and Detour Lake won’t be making their shipment until the spring.”
“Assuming we get any of it,” Matt said. “Which I doubt.”
“Just shut up,” I told him. He was right about our chances. “I’m sorry, Lisa, but we need to conserve what we have. We have way more wood and propane than diesel, so if the plant takes a little longer we can manage.”
Lisa was staring at me, but I couldn’t tell what she was thinking. For some reason it’s impossible to know what Lisa is thinking until she opens her mouth or starts kicking your ass.
I waited a little longer.
“We’re going to need more help,” Lisa said. “I can’t dig this trench by myself.”
“I’m here,” Matt said.
“Like I said... I can’t do it by myself.”
“What about Graham?” I asked. “Where’s he? Out fluffing the goats?”
“Who gives a crap where he is?” she said. “He’s almost as useless as this idiot.”
“Hey,” Matt said.
“I’ll help,” I said. “I mean, I can’t every day... Graham and I are going into town tomorrow to find batteries for this thing... but I’ll do what I can.”
“I guess that’s the best we can do,” Lisa said.
“Uh... thanks.”
She nodded.
Sometimes I wonder what it is about Lisa that makes me trust her the most.
Sara disappeared just before dinner again, like she had on Sunday after