Adverbs

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Book: Read Adverbs for Free Online
Authors: Daniel Handler
the way home Helena bought a magnum of very expensive champagne from a liquor-store guy who flirted outrageously with her. She flirted back and drank most of it on the way, the bottle as heavy as a pair of twins. “How did you drink all that without peeing?” her husband said, when she walked in the door.
    “Oh, I peed,” Helena said. “Don’t worry about that.”
    “Everyone I’ve ever gone out with,” David said, “has drunk too much. Your mother told me you’d probably be tipsy when you got home from your first day of new work. You’re British but even all the Americans I dated, they all drank too much.”
    “What are you saying?” Helena said. “That there’s no difference? With magpies even, there’s different what’s-it, between the British and here in California. Plumage .”
    “What I’m saying,” David said kindly, “is that first thing tomorrow morning you have to take fifty children out to the hinterlands to look at black birds. Andrea says to meet at the place at eight sharp.”
    “They have yellow breasts ,” Helena said sourly, “and don’t tell me you don’t notice, David. Andrea’s got enormous ones.”
    “It’s all the same to me,” David said, and then sighed very kindly, too. “I don’t think this conversation is going well,” he said. “You’re being a little aggressive.”
    “You’re being a little artful ,” Helena said, “and Andrea’s being a little attractive . I can’t believe you talked to my mother and your ex-girlfriend while all the while I was buying you a bottle of expensive champagne.”
    “Which you’ve drunk most of,” David said, “and I don’t like.”
    “Look,” Helena said. “ Look , I love you and I don’t know what to do. I’m worrying about money. That can’t be love.” She slunk down on a chair she had bought on a whim. It cost let’s say three million dollars. Her mother told her that you can’t live on love, but Helena could not find anything else to live on. This is love and its trouble. You can earn it but it may not come for twelve more weeks, so you take it from other people and buy gifts for your lover he does not like and you drink most of. You take it to live on and you worry there’s never enough. Helena could not stand this line of reasoning, but the trouble was, not standing this line of reasoning didn’t pay anything either.
    “I love you, too,” David said, and took the bottle.
    “I want you to love me in particular,” Helena said. “I’m not the same as an American. I’m my own species and I want you to be picky about it, if that’s the expression. How can it be all the same to you? What is it, did we move here so you could be with Andrea again?”
    “ I’m not with her,” David said. “She gave you a job.”
    “Her and her jobs,” Helena said. “Just tell me you love me.”
    “I love you,” David said, “but I’m not sure that’s enough for the likes of you.”
    “Then tell me you love me and give me a hundred billion dollars,” she said, and David shook his head. In the morningthere was no field trip, but not because the volcano erupted. There was no field trip due to weather, if that’s the expression. Rain fell all over the windows and Helena had the class write letters to her mother and read them out loud for creative expression. Helena wrote a list of things that had to be in the letter, but they could be creative.
    Dear Helena’s Mother,
    It is expensive to call from San Francisco to London so you should call. After all you’re the mom. Is my husband David sleeping with Helena’s boss?
    Sincerely yours,
Laurie
    Dear Helena’s Mother,
    You sound mean. Helena is doing the best she can. Maybe you should yell at David for once.
    Love,
Mike
    Dear Mommy,
    Stop making Helena call the other way. You can’t live on love. You are a mean mommy and David and Andrea might be kissing. Oh, what shall I do?
    Your Friend,
Todd
    Dear Mommy,
    I want a horse for Christmas.
    It was possible Margaret

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