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I notice the Ass Thong.
    The woman directly in front of me is tall and slim with a set of those extra-long teardrop-shaped buttocks. She’s wearing a black full-body leotard and some kind of high-waisted contraption that looks more suitable for a porno shoot than a yoga class. The neon green fabric running up from her crotch is disturbingly thin. Thank God for the black bodytard, or that whole scene would be indecent. I look over at Lilly to see her sitting peacefully on her ball with her eyes closed. I look straight ahead. I try hard but fail to keep my eyes off the neon green Ass Thong.
    The next pose is called the Seated Stork. I have the good sense to sit on my ball and not try any of that crazy shit. No one seems to mind, since they probably feel a little safer with me just sitting still. Next up is squats. I stand up and participate because I think I’ve got this one. Sure enough, I do ten squats without incident. But when I’m done, my ass and thighs are screaming for me to stop. Olivia instructs us to come down to our knees—gently, slowly—and lean into the ball. I’m more than happy to do that. “Now roll forward,” she says, and I squish my boobs flat as I follow her lead. I can’t believe people get up this early in the morning to abuse their bodies in such a way as this. “Now press your hands into the ball.” I can’t do that. I know I can’t. I look over at Lilly.
    â€œJust hold onto it,” she whispers. “Keep your toes on the floor.” I’m going to jackknife this yoga ball. That’s what the end result of this will be. I watch as the woman in front of me rolls up to where her hands are on the floor. Those teardrop butt cheeks fan out and I just can’t stop staring at that Ass Thong. I make myself look at the floor. I’m not sure what I want to do more: laugh or cry.
    â€œDownward Facing Dog,” Olivia says. “Great job, ladies. Very smooth. Now up.”
    I’m sweating like a whore in church, but I hug that ball like I love it. It starts to slip so I grip it hard, pressing down with my boobs to keep it in place. My toes are really starting to hurt. Lilly glances at me, and I can see now that she understands what a horrible idea this was. “Help,” I whisper. “You’ve got to help me.” She shushes me, so I look straight ahead again only to see that Ass Thong has acquired a massive wedgie. I start to tilt forward. I’m about to pile drive my head into the floor, so I arch my back—and when I do, the ball slips again. I tighten my embrace, but that only sends that ball flying from my arms like it was fired from a cannon. My balance ball is airborne while Ass Thong is going back into the Downward Dog. Just before my face hits the floor, it occurs to me that the woman in front of me will never get that neon green fabric out of her asshole. I look up to see that she’s fallen into the lady in front of her. Balance balls start flying around all over the place. People are rolling and falling, and all I can do is lay there and watch the chaos unfold. Poor Lilly has an awful look on her face and I know she’ll never want to be seen in public with me again. When the dust settles, we find ourselves surrounded by hostile yogis and I’m sure things are about to go down like the rumble in
West Side Story
. I regret that I didn’t bring along a pocket knife with which to defend myself. Lilly and I slowly stand up.
    â€œI’m sorry,” I say to Ass Thong. I am so embarrassed and feel terrible for humiliating Lilly. “I’ve never done this before, and I shouldn’t be here.”
    â€œYou’re right,” Ass Thong says. “You shouldn’t be here if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
    â€œThis is not a beginner’s class,” says the first woman Ass Thong knocked down. She’s wearing hot pink hot pants over black leggings.
    â€œNo,