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discussing. A safe topic is how they are
nothing
like first-graders and clearly developmentally well advanced.
    Eight-year-olds: They should be in third grade. Remember the rule: Age minus five equals grade! (The other rule is that whenever you apply this rule, it will be wrong. See also: when you are
ninety
percent sure you remember someone’s name and use it to address him.)
    Nine- to Eleven-year-olds: Ask if they’ve “written any good books lately.” If my own experience is anything to go by, most kids this age have written something that they feel is a good book.
    Twelve-year-olds: Middle school. Commiseration is called for.
    Thirteen- to Sixteen-year-olds: Some gnawing obsession is devouring this person, infecting her Internet presence and eating the inside of her locker. Figure out what it is and you won’t need to say another word for the remainder of the conversation.
    Seventeen-year-olds: Whatever you do, don’t ask about college. (Naturally, this will be the only thing you can think of to ask about.) Instead, try a less sensitive subject like, “Do you still respect your parents?” or “And your sexuality, do you feel that you’ve got a handle on it?”)
    Eighteen- to Twenty-two-year-olds: There is something about being confronted with a recently minted adult that fills you with the overpowering desire to offer life advice. Try to resist this urge if at all possible. If you can’t, just quietly murmur, “As Dear Sugar says, don’t be afraid to break your own heart,” as you say good-bye.
    Midtwenties: Quick, they are just on the cusp where joking about getting old is funny rather than Too Close to Home. Hangovers still manageable. Complain about yours.
    Thirtysomethings: Before you can talk to a thirtysomething, you must identify him or her as a thirtysomething, a feat I havenever excelled at. For women of a certain class, white wine seems like a good signifier, but it’s hard to predict. One way of guessing is to see when they go to bed. Yawn and say, “Boy, it’s about time to turn in!” and see what the other person does. Good things to say to thirtysomethings include “So, do you still feel like an impostor?” and “When Mozart was your age he was still alive, but if I were you I’d avoid any suspicious antimony-based powders.”
    Fortysomethings: When people turn forty you are supposed to address them entirely in reassuring slogans in the formula “[noun] is the new [noun],” at least if Hallmark cards are anything to go by (are they anything to go by?). Forty is the new thirty! Forty is the new orange! Forty is the new cupcake! Note that this will get old quickly, so you may be better off searching for common interests.
    Fiftysomethings: Say, “How’s your back?” Once people hit a certain age, it is always safe to ask about their backs.
    Sixtysomethings: This is about the age when all the technology in the house will turn on you, and cease to turn on for you. Address them accordingly. If you want to rile a sexagenarian, ask him to install something on your TV.
    Seventysomethings: The best thing to do when talking to a septuagenarian is to quote, verbatim, the contents of any ominous-sounding forwarded e-mail of dubious veracity that you have recently received. They just love e-mail forwards of dubious veracity. This is about the age when you start to unquestioningly believe e-mails that are forwarded to you. Otherwise sane people will start telephoning their children out of the blue to ask if they know about The Horrible Lizard Thing the Masons have replaced the president with. Be careful that you are talking to a septuagenarian before you begin, though. Seventysomethings often look deceptively young. As a class, they are generally fairly spry, as long as you don’t ask too much of their hips.
    Eightysomethings: They know what they like, and what they like is bowls of salted nuts, purses full of tissues, and listening to TV at a high volume. A fun conversation to have here is to