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when he spoke again that I was able to pull myself out of it.
    “This way, Mr Clarenden.” He indicated the door that led back to the front of the palace.
    “Just one last question,” I said, pointing up to the painting where a few minutes ago I’d been looking at my own grave. “What’s the deal with the hidden television?”
    “One of many throughout this hall. As you may have already observed, the Master is a big fan of television. When He designed this place, He wanted to make sure He had access to one in all possible locations.”
    “Makes sense. I suppose it helps Him keep an eye on everything that is happening.”
    “Not to mention the daytime soaps. Now, if you would please follow me.”
    We went through the door, down the stairs, and out through the front waiting room. Back outside, Gabriel handed me a map of Heaven with the position of my office marked with an X.
    “Remember, if there’s any further assistance you need, don’t hesitate to call,” he said, making it clear that the more I hesitated, the better.
    I walked away from God’s palace and into Heaven proper. It was sunny and warm, but by this stage I wasn’t much in the mood for sightseeing. Eventually, I managed to find the office. I unlocked the door and poked my head in.
    The office was neat. A neat desk with an old-style telephone, and chairs neatly arranged around it. Nice neat new carpet. Large neat windows, allowing the sun to stream in and illuminate all the neatness. The tiny living quarters that I found through a door on the other side, comprising little more than a bedroom and a kitchen, were neat too. Obviously God didn’t want to spoil me.
    This was definitely not an environment that would be conducive to my style of work. Then again, work was the last thing on my mind at that moment. I collapsed onto the bed, and for the next fifteen hours I rested in peace.

Chapter 4
    I WAS AWOKEN THE NEXT MORNING by sun pouring in through the window. I sat up and checked my wounds, only to discover that during my sleep they’d disappeared completely. Not only that, but my head was clear and my eyes no longer had any problem with the light. The doc hadn’t been kidding when he’d talked about the healing qualities of Heaven.
    As I got dressed, I couldn’t help noticing my clothes were surprisingly free of both bloodstains and bullet-holes, but I didn’t spend too long wondering about that. It was time to start my investigation.
    I returned to the office to make the necessary preparations. First, I did what I could to mess up the handful of papers lying on the desk. Then I looked for something I could use to cover up the windows, but nothing obvious presented itself. Finally, I took the sheets from the bed and shook them around the room, attempting to arrange a little dust over the pristine floor and furniture. It didn’t help. Dirt and grime were in short supply here in Heaven.
    There was no point sitting in a bright and airy office. If I was going to make any headway on this case, I would need to get out and start investigating. I grabbed my coat and hat, opened the door, and stepped into Heaven.
    It was a clear, blue morning. The sun shone down like a great golden bowling ball, and the birds were singing in the trees. I walked down streets lined with small, neat houses behind well-tended lawns and immaculately presented gardens. A parade of people passed by. Most of them were nothing special to look at, but they all had relaxed expressions on their faces. Many of them smiled as they approached, and a few even greeted me pleasantly. The whole thing gave me the creeps.
    I knew that beneath this veneer of contentment, deep, dark secrets were waiting to be exposed. The only thing stopping me from ripping the lid off this place was the fact that I had absolutely no idea where to begin. Heaven was about as suspicious as family day at the state fair.
    I had been wandering aimlessly for about fifteen minutes when I finally managed to spot