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you don’t have to
be.”
    Mike: “And I don’t want any diseases
either.”
    This elicited a chuckle from Roger, who up
until now was also pretending to ignore the whole situation and was
instead trying to get updated football lines on his cell phone.
    Alex: “You’re right, Chief. Bad story.”
    Mike: “I mean, at least not without really
getting laid.”
    Everyone turned toward Mike, equal parts
confused and disappointed.
    Gary got them back on topic: “Just get off
the next exit and take me back. We aren’t fucking moving
anyway.”
    Roger suddenly realized he had a vested
interest in the outcome: “Dudes, I got a double shift covered on a
Saturday for this, so someone better still be taking me to
Vegas.”
    Alex: “See, The Rodge is the voice of reason.
Fantastic. Okay, Gary, how about this - we get to Barstow, you call
Blair and tell her that I made the whole thing up and you had no
idea until then. But at that point there is really no way you can
come back. And I am the asshole.”
    Gary: “So, what, the topic just didn’t come
up for two hours?”
    Alex thought for only a moment: “Right,
because I told you and Roger not to mention anything until we got
to Vegas because Mike told me he didn’t want the trip to be
considered a bachelor party because he didn’t want strippers
because his fiancé would be pissed and he wouldn’t go if it was a
bachelor party. Therefore, he would only go if you and Roger didn’t
know about the engagement until the second night of the trip.”
    Gary: “But there is no engagement?”
    Alex: “This is true, but if I lied to you and
Roger separately then no one’s the wiser and no one is talking
about any engagements. We are all just going to Vegas. But then
somehow you caught on to my ruse and immediately call Blair.
However, by then we are in Barstow and everyone else still wants to
go and there is nothing you can reasonably do. I am the only
asshole. We go to Vegas and have a blast.”
    Gary: “She is going to be pissed and is going
to make me get on a bus and get my ass back to San Diego no matter
what you douche-bags are doing.”
    Alex: “I don’t think so, Gary. I don’t know
too much about married chicks, but the one thing I know about women
is they all want to seem “cooler” than other girls. If the word got
out that she made you come back on a Greyhound from Barstow, she
would appear as a bitch and decidedly un-cool. She won’t want
that.”
    Gary thought about this for a moment: “You
are a clever asshole sometimes. You don’t care that my wife hates
you?”
    Alex switched from his sales voice to his
compassionate voice: “I do care, G-Balls. I like Blair and I am
happy for the two of you. But the truth of the matter is, I have
seen you in person maybe twice in the last year anyway, so I don’t
think this is going to, like, fuck up the great situation we have
now or anything.”
    Gary knew that it was a problem that he very
rarely saw friends who didn’t also have kids anymore. “I’m still
pissed,” he said, but the conviction in his voice was gone.
    Alex: “I know. Look, I am sorry. Really. I
just wanted all of us to go to Vegas and have a good time together.
I mean, for me, personally, these days it is kind of a bummer. Five
years ago all you had to do was send out an email with the subject
“Vegas” and within thirty minutes eight guys had booked flights.
Now I am lucky if I can get The Rodge to come with me.”
    Roger: “What is that supposed to mean?”
    Alex: “Sorry, dude. You know I love charging
Vegas with you. I just mean that it doesn’t take much for you to
want to go to Nevada, which is a good thing. Look, the point is
just that we never get to do anything as the four of us anymore. I
know it was fucked up to lie to your wife and I know you were going
to buy new steak knives and all that this weekend, so I am sorry.
But how about if we move on and have a great weekend?”
    Gary: “Jesus, man. You are a fucking