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its holster.
    Instantly everyone in the hallway began breathing again, and talking nonstop. Lieutenant Lantern Jaw angrily told Pop he should press criminal charges against not just me but my children, too; Andrea started shouting at the lieutenant; Pop collected himself and yelled at everyone in sight; the bystanders put in their two cents; Gretzky whined that he was thirsty; Babe Ruth whined that he was hungry; Andrea screamed at them; Judy Demarest came down from the stairway where she'd witnessed the whole thing and tried to help us with the kids; and as for myself, I was trying to make myself heard over the din, so I could explain what Pop had done to me before that no one had seen. But no one was listening to me.
    Now Lieutenant Lantern Jaw was bellowing at Andrea that the city would send in social workers to take a good hard look at our kids because they were obviously heading straight for a lifetime of crime unless there was firm early intervention. Pop was making noises like he would take the lieutenant's advice on pressing charges, so the lieutenant grabbed my shoulder roughly and said, "Come with me," to jail I guess he meant. My entire family started wailing, and Gretzky and Ruth wrapped themselves around my legs to keep me from leaving, but then right at the last moment, just as the lieutenant was leading me off, Pop called out for him to stop, and it finally became apparent that Pop's noises were just that and he had no real intention of pressing charges against me or my boys. Nervously eyeing Judy Demarest, who was standing quietly to one side, Pop stopped blustering and put a wan smile on his face. He started in about how the whole thing was just a silly little situation that got a bit out of hand, so let's not make a big deal of it, boys will be boys, he'd give us all a break, just this one time.
    He was trying to play it like a nice guy, but it didn't take a Ph.D. to figure out what was really going on in his swinelike little mind as he cast sidelong glances at Judy. He was frantic to avoid publicity for the fact that three young children, ages nine, six, and four, had overpowered him and made him lose his gun. Also, I doubt he wanted me testifying in court about what had really happened between us in the hallway.
    Lieutenant Lantern Jaw wasn't the swiftest guy in the world, but he eventually figured out that Pop wasn't going to change his mind. So after giving Andrea and me a stern lecture about the responsibilities of parenthood, he let us go. His main theme was that we should take our kids to church every Sunday, and Andrea and I bobbed our heads solemnly up and down and promised to do exactly that. We figured this wasn't the right moment to tell him we were Jews, and agnostic Jews to boot.
    Then Pop went downstairs to the police station and Lantern Jaw told everyone in the hallway they could go home, he wouldn't need to take their statements. It turned out he was wrong about that, though we had no way of knowing it at the time.
    Andrea, the kids, and myself hightailed it out the front door and escaped as fast as we could. Finally, after endless minutes of Lantern Jaw shouting me down, I'd get a chance to tell Andrea my side of the story.

5
     
    But Andrea, as it turned out, didn't want to hear my side of the story right then. She was far more interested in imparting some basic rules of gun safety to our children. And when I say basic, I mean basic.
    "Don't ever touch a gun," she said to Babe Ruth and Gretzky, holding them firmly by the shoulders as we stood together on the sidewalk outside City Hall.
    "But Mommy," Babe Ruth said.
    "Don't ever touch a gun." Andrea was so riled up, the veins were sticking out all over her face. She's never shaken our kids, and I'm sure it took all of her willpower not to shake them right then. "Do you hear me? Don't ever touch a gun. Don't ever, ever, ever touch a gun."
    This time the kids wisely didn't argue. They just nodded.
    After Andrea and the kids got the gun thing