sideband radios. I was in the water, but I was still safely, securely connected.
But my friend Janet had experienced the bottomless void. Shed been swept away by a mindless thing that we all dread. Which is possibly why human nature wont allow an individualor threeto vanish without explanation. Blame and reason are contrivances to which we cling for comfort, a way of imposing order. When one is dealing with deep ocean, however, all acts are expeditionary, and even the most mundane untetheringsuch as pointing a small boat offshorecarries risk.
How can you blame the sea? At night, alone, waves are as indifferent as wind, or the void that is the backdrop for a flashing light at sea.
Id learned enough, and what Id learned was not comforting. I could never share that knowledge. I would never share it. As Janets friend, I would do what she would have wanted me to do: Protect her friends from the truth.
I climbed back aboard, found a towel, and stripped naked, drying myself. Then I stood in the wind, hands on hips, feet set wide for balance, looking at the star streaks and comet swirls of two unfathomable spheres: sea and space. The constellations Orion and Cassiopeia were bright in the autumn sky; the Pleiades, a hazy, crooked A-shape. At home, from my stilted house, those star-shapes were familiar guideposts. Out here, sixty miles at sea, they seemed gaseous and foreign, insensible with their vacuum chill.
I continued to stare into space, drying myself, and then I stopped, as I was drying my hair, surprised to hear a polite clearing of the throat behind me. I turned, still scrubbing away, to see JoAnn standing in the companionway. There wasnt enough light to decipher her expression, but there was a weary, weary smile in her voice, as she said, Leave it to you to find a way to get my mind on something else. Out for a late-night swim, were we?
I wrapped the towel around my waist as I told her, I had to know. I had to find out for myself what it was like for Janet and the other two. In the moment of my speaking, it seemed irreverent to leave Janets companions nameless, bodiless, so I added, Michael Sanford and the other woman, Grace Walker. All three. So I got in the water.
JoAnn stepped over to me and laced the fingers of her right hand into mine, palm up, and gave me a shake of mild reproach. Dont do that, Doc. Dont try anything like that ever again, not at night, not unless you tell us! I couldnt bear it if you disappeared out here, too. Christ, I always thought I loved the Gulf, but Im coming to despise it. It scares the hell out of me like it never did before.
JoAnn has a flexible, expressive voice, and it stumbled a little as she then asked a question that she wasnt certain she wanted answered. So how was it once you got away from the boat? In the water at night, I mean. God, I cant imagine.
I told her, Its colder than I thought. That surprised me, but its a good thing for us all to know, so Im glad I used myself as a guinea pig. After getting in there, Im convinced that in the first hours after their boat sank, they were probably still in pretty good spiritsyou know, confident they were going to be rescued at dawn. Then sometime the next day, they just drifted off to sleep, one by one. It was so gradual, they probably didnt even realize what was happening.
I was wrong, so very, very wrongbut it was an unintentional lie, an attempted kindness.
I felt JoAnn squeeze my hand. Thanks. No wonder youve never married. Youre such a terrible liar, no woman could depend on you to lie when she needed a little ego boost.
Then, as she pulled herself closer, she added, Rhonda sent me to ask you. We talked about it. After what happened to Janet, after being in this freaking wind for six days, all the polite little rules and laws; all the social-moral crap about how were supposed to behave, and what were supposed to do and not supposed to do, it